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Need to reconnect
17 January, 2005 :: 4:21 p.m.

I think maybe I am supposed to contact Alex...

Last night Jason, one of the unloaders at worked (who has been there several months now) walked up to me out of the blue and asked me if I remembered playing cards with him one night...dude has the whole samurai look going, so I'm drawing a complete blank figuring I'd remember him for sure. He says it was as some guy's house, but he can't remember the name...he says he was there with J.W. So now I'm like, shit, hmmm, I haven't even seen J. in at least 5 years let alone remember some specific night of playing cards and drinking beer... The times we did hang out though, we usually played basketball, so I'm really trying to remember playing cards and suddenly it dawns on me that he meant Alex's house...or more accurately Alex's parents' house and suddenly I can remember the night and J. bringing some kid with him I didn't know... I happened to have my camera with me that night and took pictures so I checked when I got home this morning and sure enough, Jason was there, but a younger Jason with much shorter hair...

Anyway, that just took me back to thinking about how I let my friendship with Alex drift and made me feel guilty about how I'm being now...I sit here at the computer and I want to make entries in here, but I can't bring myself to write; I realize I should email my friends since I haven't talked to any of them recently, but I can't bring myself to think of a damn thing to say in an email and my mind winces at the idea of trying to think of something...the only way that interests me to try to communicate is the phone because there the conversation isn't all on me...I say something, the feedback is instant, they might say something...before long you're having a conversation about any and everything...part of it is the typing also which makes the idea of instant messenger seem unbearable also...there's feedback, but it's not the same. I feel the need to talk, but this isn't talking and it's not making me feel any better right now. I honestly don't want to let people drift out of my life anymore, but it's like there's a physical barrier between me and email lately...I don't even like checking it.

I have decided that I am going to enjoy this semester away from school even though I want to get school over with...I'm finally getting to read Mancow's book and it's been an excellent diversion from reality. I disagree with parts of his outlook on life, but he's very entertaining even when you don't like him. After that, not sure what I'll read, but it's just good to be free for a bit. Agh, I lost my way in this entry yet again...can't remember where I thought it was going, fuck.

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