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Old friends
14 November, 2005 :: 12:17 p.m.

I burned myself again for the first time in over a felt really, really good until several days later when I realized I'd done it too low on my arm and people were noticing and asking what I did to my arm...Zippos leave a distinctive mark so answering that I burned myself leads to more quesitons, so now I just shrug and go back to work. Probably there are other ways I could get my mind unstuck when things get bad, but physical pain seems to be easy and effective. I've had no real desire to burn myself in quite a long time and the last few times I managed to avoid it, but my alternative is usually to punch solid things and I've screwed up several knuckles lately, so when the Zippo flashed in my mind, I went for it.

I always forget that along with my old friends loneliness and depression, this time of year brings back the feeling of being on the edge of not being in control anymore...

I've also got to start actually writing to friends again...I tend to compose letters/emails to different friends at different times depending on my mood and somehow let myself forget that in reality sometimes a couple of months go by without me really communicating with the real person and letting them know what's going on...and, of course, very little of what I've composed in my head ever actually gets to them. I really am shite as a friend and I don't know why I have such a hard time explaining myself and what I'm going through to people...especially the ones who stick by me and overlook my being an idiot for weeks at a time. Sometimes I wish I had more than just a couple of friends, but then I realize I can barely handle the few that I have and I think of how, even though I get lonely a lot and wish I had someone to talk to at times when I don't, more frineds would be too much work. Work probably isn't the right word and makes me sound like more of a prick than I am or at least more of one than I'd like to come off as being, but it really does feel like work sometimes to pretend to be part of the human race.

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