Cracking up ain't all it's cracked up to be
14 October, 2006 :: 4:54 p.m.
I've been losing my mind lately...
I'm used to feeling down; it's how I feel most of the time. My first thoughts of suicide or just plain wanting to die (never been crazy about the idea of actually taking my own life, but I've thought about it a lot) started back in...6th or 7th grade, I don't remember exactly, but I know it was early on in middle school...and feeling down, being melancholy just became who I am, how I see the world, how I act toward people.
Highs are rare and they are just that, highs. One day things suck, nothing changes but all the sudden for a few hours or a few days I feel euphoric and things are great and I can take on the world...and then it all comes crashing down and I feel worse than before the feeling came on. No matter how bad I get though, I rarely turn to anyone to talk about it...I either avoid people or, if a situation like work makes human contact unavoidable, I fake like I'm ok...which I do a lousy job of, but basically I think most people, rather than think I'm depressed, just think I'm a prick...which works because they don't press me to talk to them.
And this time of year things always get worse. Fall is my favorite season of the year and none of the others are even a close second, but fall always brings me down, makes me want to pull back even further than normal from people and basically hide myself away...and it carries on throughout winter. The highs I spoke of usually come with the onset of spring and then again with summer...which I've never understood because I don't particularly like either of those seasons. Perhaps I don't like them because they short-lived highs followed by substantial crashes are nothing really to look forward to.
So anyway, I'm no stranger to feeling down and like I don't fit anywhere, but it's so much worse the last few weeks.
I just feel out of it all the time, completely disconnected from people, pissy, angry. I just don't care about anyone or anything all that much right now.
I believe this is part of whatever's been wrong with me for the past couple of years that they haven't been able to diagnose, but I'm going back to my doctor and I'm going to tell him I'm sick of the bullshit, sick of no answers.
I've always had a temper, but lately it's literally taking nothing to set me off, make me want to punch things, strangle people. I've snapped at coworkers for no reason; I've snapped at a few customers. The only reason it hasn't happened with friends is most likely because I don't really see or talk to anyone all that much. Aside from the fact that it's annoying me and stressing me out being this angry, it could end up costing me my job if something doesn't change. Then I come home, try to sleep and it's nonstop dreams of arguing with friends, arguing with customers at work, getting fired from work, physically and emotionally hurting a whole cast of friends, acquaintances and strangers...
My hallucinations are getting annoying also...it's not like I have long, detailed hallucinations, I just see things quickly but in detail and then I look again and whatever it was isn't there. And things "jump" at me on a regular basis. I can be walking along and suddenly something that's 10 or 20 feet away jumps so that it looks like it is right in front of me, then a split second later it jumps back to where it belongs. I can be standing still and it'll happen also, but it's when I'm walking that it throws me off because I always flinch or stop...and driving when it happens...wow, now that's fun when you're a hundred yards behind a truck and all the sudden it looks like it's two feet in front of you so you slam on the breaks and then realize, no, it's still a hundred yards ahead of you...I can't wait to get pulled over for driving erratically. But I have to react...the one time I tell myself, "nope, it's just a hallucination," I'm going to end up plowing into the back of someone else's vehicle.
Perhaps my favorite problem aside from the temper and things jumping at me would be feeling like someone implanted electrodes throughout my body and has a remote with which they can just zap the hell out of me at random for random periods of time. The best of these is the one that runs from my groin to the top of my foot...it used to just be a couple of quick pulses and that was plenty uncomfortable and would make my leg buckle if I happened to be standing, but the last couple of weeks, it kicks on and lasts for a minute or two or ten at a time. Nothing beats the feeling that someone's got your balls wired up.
Yeah, so it probably doesn't need saying, but all of this sucks and it's getting really, really fucking old.