I get more irrational as I go
16 October, 2006 :: 3:51 p.m.
I've been sleeping for shit lately...a lot of it is just not being tired and not feeling like sleeping...but even when I try and I want to sleep, my mind races and keeps me up. An example of the sort of stuff that I fixate on when I should be drifting off to sleep: Lacey and I have been living in this apartment for about a year and a half and suddenly the other day when I was trying to sleep, it dawned on me that the only fire extinguisher we have is in the kitchen and, while Lacey technically has a window, if there were a fire blocking the door to her bedroom, she wouldn't be able to escape. There was no reason to think of fires and fire extinguishers in the first place, so I have no idea where it came from, but once I latched on to it I couldn't let go...then I became convinced that since I'd thought of it, if I fell asleep, a fire might start and Lacey might end up trapped if I wasn't able to alert her and help her get out in time...yeah, so I sat up being ever vigilant of a fire that never broke out, but I was sure if it did it would be my fault for thinking about it.
I was brushing my teeth before bed the other day and managed to clack my toothbrush against one of my front teeth...so I laid there for over an hour after that trying to sleep but instead thinking about, "what if my tooth had broken off?" and then imagining and feeling a whole array of things scrape and clunk and break that tooth...over and over I just kept visualizing various bad endings for my right front tooth...
I had to dispose of a package of toilet paper at work last night and while I was writing out the claims slip for it, I was right next to this mirror that someone had failed to properly take care of...it was just laying on the desk with the glass still in the frame but with huge cracks running through it and tiny pieces missing...so I had trouble focusing on writing the slip because I had the irrational urge to run my fingers over the glass and I could visualize and feel the shards slicing my fingertips off or at least putting deep gashes into the meat of my fingers. It took minutes to shake those feelings and images. Then I thought about it for no reason when I tried to sleep earlier and got all creeped out again and, honestly, it's hard to type right now because my fingertips feel all cringy at the idea of being sliced off...
These are just a few minor examples of why I love my mind...