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Phase variance Or: Damn it Jim, I'm an idiot, not an engineer
21 March, 2007 :: 4:38 a.m.

I miss the old days when this diary was fun, new and meant something...I don't know how I got to here from there, but those were far better days where the future seemed to hold something. I'm positive that I'm broken, I just can't quite figure out how it happened or when it happened...I guess the slide was so gradual that I didn't even notice until it was too late. I can't just hit "restart" and go back to a previously saved part of the journey. I don't want to start over from the point where I began this diary...I want to figure out how to get back to being like that guy. Things got bad, I sulked a bit, made a "poor me" entry and went on about my day. I was never particularly social, but I wasn't afraid to leave my apartment like I am now...not afraid as in monsters are lurking in the shadows or some shit...afraid as in, if I stay in my apartment, I control who I talk to and what I do for the most part. There's very little randomness. When I leave, I run into assholes, I see a whole lot of people that irritate the fuck out of me, I just don't like how it feels...the idea of going to the bar by myself, going on drives by myself to clear my head...doing lots of things by myself, they were no big I can't move without some sort of prodding--that's how most days are. But I have good days where I feel like good things can happen, and I want to do shit...and something always seems to blow up in my face and reinforce the idea that it's not worth venturing out...I know part of it is not being in school anymore. I feel like I failed big time at the one thing that offered me promise of getting somewhere...I did fail (myself, not out of school). I let myself down and I don't know where to turn to find my way out. I don't like asking for help, I don't know who or how to ask for help, and I know that I don't have the answers. Everything in the outside world has moved and when I go out I no longer have my bearings, I get confused and lost easily (not in a literal sense...I can still find work and the few other places that I go...) it feels like I'm completely disconnected from everything else out feels like everyone else is operating on a different frequency than me...and it's like I've gotten more out of sync with them. My old frequency was off, but I could still see and feel the world and, at least sometimes, it felt like the world noticed me...but now my frequency is so off that I can't begin to understand the way the rest of the world thinks and feels and operates...

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