Bah, Bah, Black Sheep
26 August, 2004 :: 3:25 p.m.
I'm getting back into the mood of not really wanting to write in here much...usually I say that and I start updating again...
I compose so many entries in my head while I'm at work and by the time I get home I could just give a fuck about taking the time to type it out...it's like writing a paper for class--I can't do drafts; I just write the paper...the second time around I never word it as well (which isn't to say that all or any of my entries are masterful examples of english prose). It never feels as honest if I'm typing something that I already thought about and yes, I actually do usually think things out as though I were typing it in here...look what keeping a journal has done to me.
I'm unhappy with my family right now...Lacey and I were over in Wellsboro yesterday morning to run her mom to the dentist. We stopped to buy some groceries while we were there and I just happened to run into my mom. My mom just happened to mention she and my step-dad were on their way to see my grandmother one last time (his mom...but she's been my grandma for 26 years) because she wasn't expected to make it through the day. I thought this was like a sudden thing, but then Mom mentioned that my brother had taken my niece and nephew up a couple days earlier and my sister had one of her friends drive her up Tuesday to say goodbye...and here I was just hearing about it...so basically had I not run into my mom at the store, I would've known nothing of my grandmother dying until it happened.
I'm honestly not sure I would've gone up, but I did have Tuesday off, so if my sister needed a ride, she could've called me and I'd have taken her. I doubt I would've gone alone, but if I knew my sister or my parents would be there, I definitely would have...it's the not being given the option that annoys me so much. I got a call like two hours later that she was gone when they arrived, so even had I followed them up, it would've been too late.
I know I'm the black sheep of my mom's side, dad's side and step-dad's side of the family, but I didn't realize how little I'm included in things...I don't even find out about a lot of family dinners and such until afterwards lately. I'm not a big family person as I think I mentioned it's going on 3 years since I visited my paternal grandparents...I rarely see relatives on my mom's side anymore and I really don't see my step-dad's family except for their rare visits to my parents' house (most of their functions take place at my aunt's house)...I don't feel a whole lot of connection to most family, but to find out that I was just basically going to receive a call saying, "Grandma Rose died, the funeral is on..."--that just plain sucks. I will be expected to go to the funeral which will probably be Saturday (haven't gotten the call yet...maybe they'll tell me when it was afterwards also...and that I really wouldn't mind so much), but I couldn't be given the option to say goodbye...
And now I'm realizing that I definitely do need to visit my dad's parents...I'm fairly certain my grandfather will live forever since he is far more grumpy and bitchy than I am and seems to live for the sole purpose of pissing off others, but still I should stop in and see them just in case I'm wrong...and my grandmother is actually nice, so she definitely won't live forever. Man do I hate the idea of there being some big reconnnection and suddenly I have to show up for this and that...if I can stop in for an hour or two and not have to be back til Christmas, that would be super, but it probably won't work that way...maybe I'll wait til Pat is back, take him, tell my grandpa that he's my boyfriend...then I probably would never have to visit again. My grandmother did tell me when I was dating Char that if we broke up, they would disown me and adopt her...maybe I can just tell them I thought they were serious...
Listen to me bitch...I think I'm starting to understand why I don't get invited to more family functions...