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What is my problem?
05 February, 2003 :: 7:18 a.m.

Wow...I don't know what's getting into me with work, but it needs to chill. I've become so easily irritated at work it isn't funny. The first two hours of tonight I was ready to hurt anyone who said the wrong thing to me...I literally contemplated just walking out. I don't understand it, I really don't. No, I don't like my job, but it's relatively easy and I get along well with enough people there that I don't understand why I'm having such difficulty dealing lately. After my first break I'm usually okay, but up until then I get that scary, blood boiling in my neck anger that I just really don't like over the supidest things. There was a call to dip fish last night...I really don't care for dipping fish, but I do it and generally it's no big deal...hearing the call last night sent the veins in my neck to throbbing and I refused to be the one to go help. The new manager, Shawn (he doesn't even spell his name right...Sean, it should always be Sean) came up and introduced himself to me and asked who I was--after a week of being on nights!!! He finally decided to find out who this guy working housewares was. He's the biggest example I think I've ever seen of a tool... He came up, introduced himself (even though, duh, I already knew who he was) and asked who I was. I replied, "Matt," and walked away...becuase that veins bulging/blood boiling feeling was rising. But I went on break, showed Lacey the pictures of me in a dress from few years ago that she had kept asking to see and I had kept forgetting and then the night was fine. The only time I came close to that angry feeling again was just before last break I think it was when Josh made some stupid comment to me. He's rapidly climbing the charts to become the third person I hate. He was okay for a while even though I found him somewhat boring because he can talk and talk and talk to you about things you care nothing about and seems to think he's witty and entertaining...he's not. But I really decided that he's a fucking loser after two separate occasions when Teri and I were having serious discussions at work--borderline fights. Both times, he knew the conversations were serious and both times he came up and interjected himself and started doing what I guess he considered "cracking jokes" though even if his butting in hadn't pissed me off, I wouldn't have found them amusing. But you DON'T DO THAT if you have any common sense, courtesy, don't jump into the middle of someone's argument and start making jokes about it. There's also the fact that after I started dating Teri initially he seemed way too eager to get to know her himself. He barely knew me at the time, yet he felt nothing wrong with driving to walmart in the middle of the day to chat with her--he lives over 20 miles away. He's this little fucking 5'2" and he has that typical, "I'm short so I have to be loud and obnoxious (okay in his mind it probably translates to funny, but he's really not--his idea of jokes always involve belittling (no joke intended based on his being short--yes, one parenthetical expression inside another) someone else--make them look bad and I'll seem better, I guess...I dunno) and make the world see me; I have to try to show myself to be as good, if not better than, everyone else" type of attitudes. (It's okay, I could barely follow that sentence.) He's just an ass. Anyway, he made some smart-ass comment tonight and, this has happened twice this week already, I visualized myself just hauling off and punching him with every ounce of anger I've ever felt over anything in my life square in the middle of his face...busting his nose and perhaps jaw all at the same time. He's constanly talking about how tough he is, and yes, he's built, but I don't care...someone punches you in the face when you aren't expecting it and it's going to hurt like hell, especially if they do break something...and if I break my hand, it would be a small price to pay. They fired Josh a couple weeks back as part of cutting hours because he does way more talking than he ever even thinks about working and he's been written up several they cut him and I was happy...then a few people went and got medical leaves so they called him back...yay. He's clueless to the fact they had no intention of ever bringing him back until they were desperate...he couldn't figure out why they made him turn in his badge and discount card and deleted him from the system when the two other guys they laid off still had their stuff...because moron, they were always going to be brought back, you weren't.

I don't like this...aside from the whole Chris instilling massive amounts of rage in me, I've been fine. I've been relatively happy even...things are going well with Teri even though I'm not sure what exactly is happening between us; I love a couple of my classes and like the other one and then the online thing, I finally got my book and my financial aid is squared away finally I believe so I'll be getting a much needed refund check in March; I love living on my's been peaceful, if somewhat boring at times. Things have been going well. Yes, I was getting stressed about the impending test in intro to art and not having a book, but if I failed to get one yesterday I was going to e-mail the prof and explain the situation...most of the time they are understanding...I had no intentions of actually flying into a rage as I joked about in yesterday's entry. It wasn't that big of a deal really.

So aside from wishing Chris would shut his mouth for good, I've been happy. So this sudden discontent at work along with these bursts of anger have really been unsettling. As the crooked cop points out to Tony Montana in Scarface, "Every day above ground is a good day." Yes, I just watched that again yesterday...maybe not the best movie for me to watch considering, but I was in the mood for it...maybe that should say something to me, but I didn't think about it until just now...Tony has those fits of rage where he acts before thinking...I haven't gone that far yet, but I've come close...Tony ends up killing his best friend because he doesn't realize that Manny and his sister (Tony's not Manny's...that would just be disturbing) have just gotten married...he thinks Manny is just fucking his sister. Now my sister is married and never even met Pat, so this isn't a likely scenario, but I need to get a handle on things. But I don't know what's wrong...I feel totally content as I write worries even though I have school work I should be doing...I know I'll get it done as soon as I stop typing...the thing with Teri is going well (as far as I know...of course usually when I think it is going well, that's right before things blow up in my face, but as I said previously, this just feels different from before)...there is nothing seriously wrong in my life that I can pinpoint that would be the underlying cause of these fits...even work isn't any worse than's just work with a new dipshit manager, but we've been through this before many, many times. How do you get a handle on a problem when you don't know what the problem is? I need to mention my fucked up dreams from yesterday, but this entry is long enough...I'll try to get to it later.

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