My hypocritic oath...
26 July, 2003 :: 11:33 a.m.
And I just don't give a fuck...
Or do I?
I dunno...someone from the Wellsboro/Mansfield area yahoo searched me again and read my diary. I have no idea who this person is, and really I no longer care. I'm not going to lock my diary again because I say what I feel in here and I don't give a fuck if people don't like it. I don't give a fuck if someone who doesn't really know me wants to see inside my head and think they know me...you still really don't know me.
I know me better than anyone and I don't know how well I know myself sometimes. I know I'm a ton of contradictory feelings and impulses and it takes more energy than I care to give sometimes to sort out which ones are the "real me" I've been speaking of and which ones merely are feelings or urges that flutter through. Sometimes I act on the wrong feelings or urges; sometimes I know I'm acting on the wrong ones...
Lacey and I got into a big argument a little bit ago...the topic was the only thing we've ever really argued about--Teri and Andy. Andy is mostly gone from sight, but just when you think he's totally gone or start to forget him, he pops back up. After Lacey told him off one day, told him not to ever contact her or speak to her or have anything to do with her again unless she initiated, he ran out and bought her a bunch of shit for her birthday and she accepted it. I realize that she did this partly because she felt awkward and didn't want to hurt Andy, but the boy is living in this world where he believes that there's a possibility she'll still come back. I don't honestly believe that even if we ended things today, that she'd ever go out with him again...but he thinks the possibility is there and it bothers me that she keeps saying she's done talking to him, that she keeps telling him not to talk to her, but then he does anyway and she gives in and talks to him. It keeps that hope of his alive since she won't shut him out completely...I know this from my own firsthand experience.
As for Teri...oy... I fucked up back when Lacey and I first got together and flirted with Teri one night and talked about how we never really had that last bout of sex for closure blah, blah, blah... Well, nothing ever came of it, but I stopped going out for a while because I was worried that if I ran into her at the bar and we were both drinking one of those urges I mentioned above that are wrong and I know are wrong might stroll through me at the wrong moment and I might act on it... I finally told Lacey about the whole thing and in telling her, felt that by being honest, I gave myself that extra bit of control that I was worried I wouldn't have. Lacey got understandably upset. Teri and I have continued to talk through email, but that's been the extent of our contact and we agreed the night we were flirting that it was wrong and we haven't done it since. Last week Teri wanted to come over and hang out and talk to both Lacey and I and I just had a hunch that it wasn't a good idea. So I ignored Teri until I had a chance to tell her what was up and that we can still talk, but hanging out isn't cool. But anyhoo...I mentioned it to Lacey and it led to a big argument over me never telling Teri to just stay out of my life. I dunno, I prolly should, but I never did and I don't like the idea of just shutting her out completely--even after all the shit. Because I knowingly put myself through all that shit, so I can't totally blame her for it. But what am I hanging on to? We're never really going to be close friends...it boils down to I just don't want to be a total jerk. I had a chance to totally shut her out of my life, but she emailed me and apologized and I accepted and reopened the channels of communication. So now I'm a hypocrite who wants Lacey to stick to her guns when she says she's done talking to Andy, but at the same time, I have a problem with just telling Teri not to contact me anymore. I guess I just feel like we will lose contact eventually and then it will be sort of a mutual thing and I won't feel like I was a jerk. So I guess if that's how Lacey feels about the deal with Andy, then who am I to argue with her or point out when she talks to him that she said she wasn't going to? I hate feeling like a hypocrite...not just feeling like one, but being one. ARGHHHH.
And Pat is dealing with this stupid girl who wants to just use him for a shoulder to cry on but give him nothing in return; who wants to have a puppy on a leash who will make her feel good when she's had a bad day like Melissa tried to do...and I told him with Melissa to drop her from his life...he finally did. I now offer him the same advice with Erin (different Erin from he one I usually mention in my diary) and I truly mean it because he deserves better than that, but he'll put up with it for too long before he realizes that he deserves better...and here I am, the hypocrite, not wanting anyone to tell me who I can or should talk to, being there for Teri to use as a shoulder to cry on when she needs one, knowing that if I ever needed someone to talk to about problems I was having, she really wouldn't have time to listen or it would turn into, "Yeah, I know what you mean...this is what happened to me and it's waaay worse than anything you've been through." But I trudge on carrying this cross that no one asked me to carry and that no one cares if I carry...I sacrifice a few moments of my time here and there for what? Nada. I'm not making the world a better place by doing this, I'm not even making Teri's world a better place...if I wasn't there to listen, she'd find someone else to listen to her. But I can't just say, "Fuck off," like I should...the only way I can do this is for her to give me a reason to say, "Fuck off," and then I have to actually stick to it.