28 March, 2003 :: 12:49 p.m.
Well, my attempt to update just disappeared into oblivion...oh well...
So I now know what a full week of being a student is like...fuck that shit. Granted I would still kill to be able to just be a student and not have to work, but still...bleh. The only class I missed all week was philosophy...I slept through my test--BUT I made that up at 9:30 this morning, so I have a full week accounted for. Time reading, time studying, time writing, time at the library doing research. And now it's Friday, so I can just say, "WOOOO! WEEKEND!," right? No, no, no...got over 300 pages of Margaret Fuller to read to keep up with class and for research purposes. Had I known when I told Sornberger I wanted to do my seminar paper on female relationships in Fuller's time and focus on the older/younger woman relationship, that Sornberger would recommend I read Summer on the Lakes and that this was 158 pages on top of the other crap we have to read...I may have decided that Emerson isn't so bad afterall. I still am keeping that as a back up, but for now I'm focusing on Fuller. And I have to remember that Sornberger needs to know that a certain pompous ass is trying to stretch a paper he did for our American Romanticism class last Spring into his seminar paper. Yes, he would still have work to do with it to take it from 1,500 words to 10 pages, but why should he have a jump start? Fuck that. I mean if she knows and says he can do it, fine...but fucker is trying to pass it off like the idea "just came to him one day."
Okay, so on top of the Fuller shit, I have to get reading the 60 pages for Brit Lit that I need to do my group presentation on. Bleh. Not the subject matter, the idea of group work. I'm pretty sure I'll just get one part and not have to talk to them much...I hope that's how it goes...but the giving a presentation as part of a group...*shudder* I keep seeing the faces of the people in the last set of presentations...the one group, the second guy starts dying...stuttering, misreading his own notes, sweating like a motherfucker... I'm not even that bad and I pray no one in my group is.
What else? Let's see... Sornberger thinks I'm totally unstable. You should've seen the look on her face when I talked to her and told her my problem isn't my depression...that the problem is when I feel happy. But I think I'm learning to reconcile being happy in my personal life with the rest of my personality. I do feel, as I told her, that I lost this semester. It was supposed to be my triumphant return and instead it's just kind of...happening. I felt like I was doing really good and then things started sputtering the week before spring break. I think my head blew it's gasket. But still, she seems understanding and all and it's cool that I can at least go talk to her...even when I walk in and suddenly realize I have no real idea why I'm there or what I am going to say to her...
But I have noticed something...every time I talk to any of my professors outside of class, with no one else around, they all act nervous and like they expect me to pull out a gun and shoot them...or maybe myself right in front of them...I dunno. Definitely get the feeling they all think I'm unstable and, while they are generally nice to me, they also seem to be relieved when I cut the visit short and take off. Do others have this impression of me too? Is this part of why it's so hard to connect? I wonder.