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Peripheral
13 October, 2004 :: 8:46 p.m.

How do you see me? Chances are you don�t�you never have�you�d walk right on by me and never realize I am me�I exist to you, to the world, peripherally.

A chair cannot be a chair until a group of people decide that that is in fact what it is�so how many people have to recognize me as human before I can be human? Probably more than I will ever meet, surely more than will ever see me�no one sees me, not the real me�they see a blur on the edge of their vision and they forget me as quickly as that�unless they need something�you forget the clock is hanging on the wall beside your head because it�s only there in the corner of your eye and that�s not where you cast your focus�until you need to know the time, then you see the clock long enough to get what you need from it and forget it again.

Do I resent this? Yes and no�I don�t know how else it�s supposed to be, I don�t know what it�s like to be in focus to someone and I almost don�t want to know�would it make me happy? Happiness is a lie we tell ourselves�none of us can truly ever be happy because we keep changing our minds about what we need to be happy�

That iPod would make me happy�until it falls into my peripheral mind and my peripheral vision and I focus on something else that would make me happy�

A girlfriend would make me happy�until I�ve been with her a while and I see other girls who seem interesting in new and exciting ways and the relationship I told myself I needed falls to my peripheral�

Friends would make me happy�until I realize we are friends of time or place, or convenience if you prefer, and that one day none of that will matter and I�ll need new friends and the old fall to my peripheral and I to theirs�

We all tell ourselves that we need certain things and then we�d be happy�but we aren�t�either because we can�t get something we think we need or because as soon as we have it, something else takes its place�

The point of this�I dunno�

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