Rooted
25 July, 2003 :: 7:25 a.m.
I just want to scream...
I'm having that feeling of multiple versions of myself inhabiting one physical body. None of them know what they want to do and only one is the real me...he isn't the one in control right now...
I'm not the only one who has this feeling, am I? You wake up some days and it's as if part of you didn't wake up--is maybe comatose--and there are other parts of you that aren't used to being in charge that suddenly find themselves without a clear voice of guidance. I can handle a few hours like this on one day...but lately it's most hours of most days... This is when my apathetic self who doesn't get around to getting things done on time gets even worse. I've been house-sitting all week in Wellsboro, so I still have done nothing for my financial aid for school...I don't want to talk to anyone at school about signing up for classes or any other shit until I can at least say that my financial aid paperwork is in order.
I need to be something other than what I am; I know this, but I don't know how to change. I know what I want to be, but it's unlikely. I know other things that interest me, but I'm so tired of the school/work/no sleep thing that I don't know if I have the patience or drive to do them. So I'm planning to finally get my shit together and declare myself officially liberal studies and hope for the best when I finally graduate some year. I need a change of scenery, but the roots go deeper into the soil year by year and I find myself unsure it's possible to transplant myself to another area. I know that I need to take a chance at some point, but it's safer to keep saying that I'll take it once school is done. I hate telling people I haven't seen in a few years that, yes, I'm still at walmart...no, no, not in management or anything like that, just an insignificant cog in a vast machine. Not that managers are all that significant...at walmart or anywhere else...it's just the perception that others have. If you say management there is the immediate look in their eyes of, "Oh, well then you have a plan and you're going somewhere." Staying here will keep me from finding my purpose...I need to drift and find myself, but I've managed to ensnare myself. I don't know how to or where to drift.