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Testing, Testing, is this thing on? Oh, right, I left my brain in my other head...the one I keep up my ass
01 February, 2003 :: 5:05 p.m.

Hmmmm, I thought I had something to say, but I guess maybe I didn't.

Wait, yeah. Superficial people suck. The girl that Pat's been building a friendship with told him the other day that he has a great personality, but that "there has to be some sort of physical attraction"--meaning, I like running to you and crying on your shoulder when I need someone to make me feel good about myself, but you aren't good looking enough to deserve more than that from me. What the fuck is that? That is some shallow bullshit. A week or two ago she wanted to take him to the mall and "remake" clothes, new hairstyle, blah, blah, blah...y'know, all the important things that matter...

So I've been warning Pat for a while now that this girl isn't for him, that he's wasting his time even being friends with her--and holy hypocrite, Batman, I'm doing the same thing with Teri! I just don't know...maybe Pat and I should run an ad:

Act Now! For a limited time (okay, maybe the rest of their lives--but you don't know how long they'll live), Pat and Matt [ed. note-we hate the fact that our names rhyme and all, but for this it had to be done] are offering a special. Are you an attractive female? Are you looking for someone to give you compliments and help you feel good about yourself? They are offering their shoulders to cry on. Go, look for a better guy (more money, better looking, etc.) and then, when he turns out to be an asshole, run back to us crying and telling us that we're the only ones that understand you and care about you...and we'll fall for it and keep letting you come back. But hurry, time and number of shoulders limited. First come, first serve.

I dunno. I mean Teri and I are just kind of back to hanging out and talking and watching movies and getting to know one another again and it's been really good. But when she came over Thursday and heard what was going on with Pat, she e-mailed Melissa and told her how great a guy Pat is and how it's not right for her to treat him this way. But at the same time when I talked to her about it, she admitted that she's been doing sort of the same thing to me...but she owned up to it and apologized, so this is part of the difference I've seen in her...she's been making a real effort to show me that she appreciates me and cares about me...she's been going out of her way to do things for me. She never did this before, and while it's nice, I'm wondering if soon she'll tire of it and go back to her old ways...the other thing that got me? In the e-mail to Melissa while telling Melissa that she is shallow for being obssessed with looks when Pat first of all isn't some hideous beast (yeah, I know Pat, you can thank me for that kick ass compliment later), but he's also a really great guy with a huge heart...this is all true...but then the part that smacked me in the face--Teri tells Melissa that when she first started dating me, she wasn't really attracted to me. Kick ass!!! I mean, as I've said before, I know I'm not a hot guy...but that kinda caught me off guard. I mean if there wasn't physical attraction, then what the fuck did she go out with me for in the first place? I thought there had to be some physical attraction between people who date. I've always been attracted to something about each of the girls that I've dated other than just personality. I guess her exact words were that there was "little physical attraction" so there was some minute amount, but damn... And I get what she was saying, I mean she was telling Melissa that there is more to a relationship than looks and all that and it's true and it's important and all, but I guess maybe I just didn't want to hear it actually said, y'know? I've never been really happy with my looks, but I've gotten comfortable with them, accepted the fact that this is who I am and there is only so much I can do with what I've got...but this was a big ego deflator. Which in and of itself I should probably be able to forget about...but it made me think back over things and up until recently I guess I always did wonder why she dated me. Plus she's always said little things like, "you'd look better if..." Never can I think of a time where she said, "You look good," it's always been, "you'd look better if..." I grew my hair out just a little bit, I stopped painting my nails as often, and I'm sure there are more things that if I took time, I could think of where I followed her advice. So yet again, me, hypocrite.

"Pat, Melissa isn't worth your the way, Teri and I are gonna hang out tonight and she's gonna give me little pointers on how I can make myself less unattractive." No, I've never actually uttered that sentence, but I might as well have. But is it cool because Teri is looking past the fact that I'm not the best looking guy and she still wants to spend time with me? Or am I being that idiot shoulder to cry on until someone better comes along? There was an article in the January FHM about some guy who drilled a hole in his skull to relieve his depression--maybe I should try that, but drill deeper so that I just stop thinking.

I think I had another point to make about all this. I think also that I got hung up and I don't recall what that other point was...

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