I don't get it...
03 January, 2005 :: 11:18 a.m.
Can't sleep...trying to break up my thoughts into coherent entries. After 3 years, I'm bound to have one or two.
Whenever I have something--whatever I happen to have for any amount of time--I want to be free from it. I constantly feel chained, trapped, by whatever is in my life...especially relationships. But what is it to be free? When I'm free, I miss what I had. There's something comforting about stability, (but of course there's something appealing about wanting) but then, without warning, it changes, it suffocates. Everything starts feeling stuffy and I need to run (or at least I feel like I need to run) somewhere open. Freedom lets me breathe again but suddenly I find myself out in the wide open and I realize I'm agoraphobic. Being free isn't really a state of being (is it?)...it's PRE-existing, PRE-being...You're only free until your next choice (and since your choices depend on your situation and your situation depends on prior choices, the last time you were free was...when? birth? adolescence?...when?) starts you down another path that leads to somewhere that will eventually leave you feeling trapped.
I want to be alone when I'm in a relationship; I want to be in a relationship when I'm alone. Wish for solitude when I'm around others; wish for chance to be around others when I find solitude too overwhelming. The moments where what I'm living and what I want seem so few and far between...why am I drawn to unhappiness?