All over some dumb shit--Ain't that some shit
09 July, 2002 :: 11:51 a.m.
HULK SMASH!
Why can't a day just pass by without any drama, any stupid shit of any sort? Do I seriously need to lock myself away from the rest of humanity if I want a day of peace?
I was so prepared to write an entry yesterday and I was so prepared to write about how I feel for Char because I was trying to explain it to Em. But I'm kinda glad I didn't now since she was at work last night.
Okay, let me take a break from last night: I think that I may have never mentioned up until this point that Char is gone...I dunno, maybe I did. Either way, Char is gone from the area...I thought she had been written out of the soap opera that has been my life for the last year and a half, but apparently she still makes guest appearances when there is either a dull storyline or, as in this case, to add to the already heightened drama.
Okay, so here's the deal: I still love Char and I miss her-- a lot. But not in the sense that I want her back, I've gotten over our break-up and I accept it...it's okay. I realize that I made mistakes, probably even a lot of mistakes and I don't blame her for not wanting to put up with it. I miss the Char that I knew and loved because she is gone...even if I was standing right next to Char, I would still miss Char. She has rewritten herself...either that or an actress is playing her that looks remarkably like the one that I knew...at any rate, the Char that I knew and loved and enjoyed being part of my life is apparently gone for good. She's been replaced by a Char who looks me right in the eye and lies...and that's if she even acknowledges me. Which she didn't last night...but she was talking shit about me. She was with her friend Shawna (whose name I may have just misspelled, but I don't give a shit) and whenever she is with Shawna she either gives me icy stares of hatred or just walks right on by me. Last night she chose to walk right on by me which was fine, but she had seen me and had started talking shit to me...she is still telling people at work that I am a woman beater. I would laugh at the stupidity of this lie if it wasn't one of those lies that everyone seems ready to believe. There are certain labels you can be given that you can't shake...woman beater and child molester being the two that pop into my head. Someone says you are one of these people and how the hell do you prove you aren't? You have to just deal with it and hope that either the people that know you will stand by you and defend you or that the people that are hearing this lie about you will realize the person saying this shit about you has no reason to tell the truth about you, but lots of bitterness and resentment and reason to lie about you.
At any rate, this was not what I needed. This is not the shit I deserve to deal with when I go to work. Char wanted the freedom to go live her new life and that's fine. I don't walk around talking to people at work and spreading lies about her. I choose to remember the fact that she and I had good times together until the end and that I want her to be free to be happy...this is how I feel even after all the shit she has been putting me through, even after all the lies. All I want is the freedom to live my life and meet people and have them get to know me for me, not have some idea of me based on what someone else has said about me.
Yes, Char, I do miss you...I hope that the old you comes back sometime and that that Char can live a long, happy life...I just can't even believe that you can wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with this person you've turned into...Go, live your life and leave me to live mine.