Fo Shizzle My Nizzle
02 December, 2002 :: 8:20 a.m.
For the first time in five years I'm single and without a prospect for a new plaything/girlfriend/future ex-wife/what have you. Wow. This is day five and it feels so weird. If it was going to happen, I guess it happened at the perfect time because I've needed to be totally alone and it so happened that last Wednesday my parents went out of town for Thanksgiving and a mini-vacation and won't be back until tonight. I really couldn't have handled Mom's incessant questions about how I was doing, what was I going to do now, will I ever get it right and give her a daughter-in-law that she will like, etc. And the thing is I know Mom means well and I love her and she's been there to help me through some tough shit, but she asks the questions and then tells me what I should do. I don't plan for tomorrow--yet I wonder about the future all the time...figure that one out. I have no idea from one day to the next what will happen in my life--sure as hell didn't expect to have a huge argument with Teri over a stupid minor thing and then break up with her when she dropped by after work Thanksgiving night...that wasn't in the plans--I just wander and hope to stumble on to things that feel right and feel like maybe this time I'm on the path that leads the fuck out of here and NOT yet another path that leads to personal failure and moving home with the parents.
I knew this was coming, I knew that no matter how hard I tried, Teri and I were losing communication. I don't think she ever believed I cared about her; I know she was positive that when I get back to school I would meet someone and leave her because she's just a working single mom. None of that is true, but every argument over stupid little misunderstandings left me feeling more alone and empty and I knew that it wasn't going to get turned around. But when we did talk, we had great conversations which is one of the things that matters most to me and we would stay up all night laughing and talking about what we wanted out of life and whatever else crossed our minds...that's why at the beginning I thought I found a person I could have a great relationship with...I know moving in so soon was a mistake, I knew it then. That's my favorite feature about myself...The little voice goes off, nagging and nagging telling me I'm about to do something that I'll regret later and I think, "Yeah, but it might be fun..."
So I'm single, looking for a new apartment, running dangerously close to missing another semester of school if things don't fall together shortly, starting to really dislike my job again (but that comes with the season), starting to have that feeling of just wanting to pick up and go where I'm not known and maybe if I start all over from scratch I can make things right...Knowing that doesn't work, that you can't run from yourself or your problems. I need to get out of this area, but I need to be responsible and finish school first...unless I take my father's lead and meet some girl and just up and move to where she's at...Sure, I moved in with Teri after a couple months, but I didn't leave all of my family half a planet behind. I didn't even leave the area code.
So I've been alone and enjoying it actually. Pulled out The Cure and Tori and The White Stripes and Badly Drawn Boy (Shut up Pat, I know a certain someone likes those last two as well and likes to revel in his misery, but I'm older and I've been doing it longer, and quite frankly I'm better at it) and been enjoying the solitude and been reintroducing myself to myself. Something like that anyway.
Yeah, there's the part of me that is thinking, "how am I ever going to convince another female to go out with me and give me a chance?" But there's also an excitement that I haven't felt in a while because I'm not tied to anyone, I'm free to do whatever I want--even if that happens to be nothing at all. Of course there's the shitty part that I ended this relationship right before the holidays...Christmas is much better when you have someone special to buy gifts for, to let them know that you pay attention to details and you really know them. Last Christmas Eve was my first after Char and I broke up and all I could think about was that Char and her family were having their annual party and that fuck Ryan was there instead of me and I was sitting alone in my apartment without even cable to keep me company so I went to the bar...the bar on Christmas Even by myself...that felt pathetic. But at the same time I watched Goodfellas and Donnie Brasco and decided that I would make a tradition out of that and now I don't have to have someone bitching that I want to watch movies about the Mafia on that special night. That's the bitch of college and holidays...all of your friends, the ones who would actually enjoy watching these movies with you and celebrating the holiday, are home with their families. So it's gonna be lonely around here real soon, but I guess I'll deal with it...I made it through last year's winter break and actually kind of enjoyed it.
I seem to think I got off track here somewhere, but what's new? I'm definitely back to myself again--depressed and lonely and at the same time getting some sort of masochistic joy out of it.
And while I'm not on the subject, yes, Erin, a teleporter would be a great thing...I could drop in on Pat and finally hang out with him in his hometown over break, I could finally get back up to Cortland and visit Chuck and see his new place and I would get to meet you in person--and we could get that just-met-awkward-even-though-we've-talked-for-hours thing out of the way. Outside of hanging out with Pat, the late night conversations with you have been some of the most enjoyable moments lately. I guess I need to hire a group of scientists myself since there is now a female decoder ring to work on and a teleporter. Don't worry, one of them will get locked away somwhere to be brought out when maintenance is required and the rest will be vaporized to keep the project a secret. I have to admit that when I first thought about the whole terrorist angle, I was like, but that wouldn't be as destructive as flying planes into buildings...but then my brain came back online and thoughts of suicide bombers and biological weapons and dirty bombs and all the other fun stuff the media has given us to think about over the past year came rushing back...so yeah, we'll keep it secret.
Okay, the thoughts are bouncing around like microwaves and, like a microwave dinner, this entry is coming out half-baked, so I'm gonna go and think for a bit and try to enjoy the time before my parents get home this evening.