self-observations
20 April, 2003 :: 9:17 a.m.
Percent of my paper that was due Thursday that I have written: 0%
Percent of my paper that I have convinced myself is ready to roll in my head although I've put very little thought into what I'm going to say and have only a couple pages of jotted notes to go on: about 87%, I'd say...
I'm not feeling all stressed anymore...this always happens...I have a deadline looming and I get all sorts of stressed, then the deadline passes and the world doesn't blow up, and I think, "Oh, now I can do this..."
But I'm nervous...I mean I have to give a fucking presentation that's supposed to be about 15 minutes--by myself. I hate group presentations, but with 15 minutes to kill, I'd love to have some other idiot up there to babble and kill time. Oy. Pat informed me that he will be there and I imagine some of the other English profs, such as Ulrich, will be there...I could truly crash and burn on my own stupidity. And I think Lacey might come also...I invited her to watch me choke. I invited her to a presentation I don't have a fucking paper written for yet. I'm a fool.
I had a weird drive home this morning from dropping Lacey off. There was some sort of accident apparetnly as you come down into Wellsboro, so I had to go the long route since my car is still not inspected. I went the long way home after that and the long way takes me past Char's parents' house. Of course I looked and of course I'm 90% sure that the car I saw parked there belonged to her...then as I dropped down into Mansfield, I passed Teri who was on her way to pick up Hannah for Easter, no doubt. And of course Em is still right upstairs...so I'm surrounded by exes today... Nothing wrong with that, just got me thinking and it seemed odd to see signs off all three on one day. Small towns, small areas...gotta love 'em.
I realized, I have realized something for some time...just now I can finally bring myself to say it...I realize that I let myself love fast and hard because then not only do I get all the feeling wonderful while the relationship is going, but I get to feel the deep sorrow when it's over. No, I'm not falling for Lacey hoping that it will end; I did't fall for anyone hoping that it would end...just that when you let yourself love, you get to feel the hurt and rejection all the stronger if it does end. Coming up with the playlist and finally burning and listening to the relationship cd for Erin (yes, one mix cd is actually done) let me finally admit this even though it's been there and I've always known it. There are a couple of songs from the breakup with Char, a song from the breakup with Em and one a couple that fit pretty well when I was going through the hurt and resentment of Teri and I breaking up (yes, each time...that was so recently and still I wonder who the fuck that was pretending to be me, continuing to go back to something that he knew wouldn't, couldn't work). Never give up...it lets you extend the pain and misery all the longer, apparently. And feel like King Schmuck when all is said and done.
But yeah, Teri and I are still talking. With school ending and Rob still in the hospital there's been no time to see if she holds to letting me see Hannah again, but I really hope that she does...there were several reasons I kept letting myself go back to Teri: 1)she knows many of the same people as Char, if we broke up, word would get back to Char that my second relationship since her had ended 2)Hannah...it's so easy to fall for a kid, even if she can be an outrageous brat at times...because under it all she's a sweetheart and I really do love her...the idea of her not being in my life hurt--it still hurts 3)the sex was really good I'm sure there were other lies I told myself each time--including the last time "things seem different, Teri really seems to be making more of an effort, yadda yadda yadda"--but those were the main three. The only non-stupid one is Hannah. She could wear on your nerves, yes, but she could also be so much fun to play with or just to watch play or listen to...and we really bonded even if her mother and I didn't. If Teri can be believed, then Hannah still asks about me and wants to see me.
As far as things with Lacey go...she's great, I couldn't ask for a better person to share my time and love with. There's one person that I really feel that had I not met and fallen for Lacey I would have liked to have tried things with...but that's not for now. I'm totally focused on this relationship. I've been happy and not nervous and it's been great...so of course my mind started to become my worst enemy again lately with all the stress from work and school... I have a great time with Lacey and feel truly lucky that she wants to be in my life...but then I started thinking, "what do I have to offer her?" I have no legal car right now, so getting together consists of being here or maybe walking around town; I have little time with school; I've been stressed and, although very content with our relationship, moody the last week. I'm feeling like I'm not the person that started dating her and that she deserves better than the person I am right now...I just keep holding on to the hope that I can get through this rough patch of school and when it's over, hopefully by then I'll have a different car and we can do things together. She's not even hinted at or once made me feel like she's unhappy with what we have...it's all me and the stress I'm putting on myself that I'm not offering her enough and she could do better. But it comes and goes...right now I'm feeling really good about us...but sometimes I wonder if this is really what she wanted, if I'm who she thought I was. The newness of the relationship is already starting to fade and I don't want to fall into a rut with her already where I bring her here, we sit around for a few hours, I take her home. This is all part of feeling like I've lost something of myself and wanting to get it back...not just because of her and us, but for me...I don't like the me that I've been the last week or two...he's definitely not the most fun guy to spend time with...and I'm stuck with him. So I guess I'm off to work on my paper because if I get that out of the way, maybe he'll start to fade...I'm really feeling like my diary name is fitting me perfectly right now...I really am a caged spirit trying to find his release.