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Yes, I'm a self-centered asshole
09 November, 2003 :: 5:08 p.m.

I just emailed my grandparents (father's parents)...

I guess that's the first contact I've made with anyone on that side of the family in over a year...I haven't seen anyone on that side for over 2 years. I'm not one for the whole family thing...too self-involved maybe...I dunno. I love my grandparents; I have fond memories of spending time with them as a kid, but I just don't feel this overwhelming desire to go see them or hang out with them, or anyone on my father's side of the family. I know part of it is the falling out with my father...I don't want to hear what any of them have to say about has nothing to do with any of them. It's my own deal with my father. Period. I know I'll have to hear some bullshit about how he's my father and he tries and blah, blah, blah, I should give him a chance, at least talk to him, more blah, blah, blah... I'm not interested in that. I have so much difficulty feeling ties to people, especially if it's just because I'm "supposed to" because they are family. The only family I need are my friends and several family gatherings at my mom's place a year. I can understand biological ties when you are a child because you need these people to give you guidance and support, but I just wish it was the way it was with many of the animal kingdom where your parents raise you until you can care for yourself (or at least should be able to) and then you go out and do your own thing and establish your own life. I hate being told I have obligations to people when I never agreed to it. If I tell Pat I'll do something for him or with him, then fine, I made the obligation, but the whole, "they're your family, so you have to do this or that..." I hate that shit.

Another thing I hate...people being overly attached to me or thinking I'm a good guy. Especially when I do nothing but prove that I'm not. I love Pat to death, but I know the boy could watch me yank a cane away from an old person and kick them off the curb into traffic and he'd stand by me and tell me why it's ok that I did that. I would like very much to be a good person and sometimes I succeed...but most of the time I just suck and for some reason people still like me...I don't get it. Granted these people eventually change...most people, especially girlfriends, eventually get to the point where there's no denying I'm a schmuck anymore and then they're gone, but too often people stick by me for too long when I've done nothing to deserve it. Pat is such a good guy and he keeps getting dicked over by women because he isn't physically their type and various other reasons; I'm an ass and I'm not attractive and yet I haven't been single for more than a month or two in the last 5.5-6 years. I don't get how life works. I suppose some of it is the ability to suppress the part of my mind that says something is wrong...There was a point when I was 19-20 where I would date a girl who was 16-17 because of the age difference. Now I'm going to be 28 in December and Lacey just turned 20 in July. It's never been an issue except watching things like I Love the 80's or talking about school when I realize that I have clear memories of things that happened before she was even conceived.

I could ramble on for another hour or so, but I think I'll call this good for now.

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