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rather sink than swim
22 February, 2004 :: 8:56 p.m.

I'm not okay...I will be, but I'm not now. As long as I'm around someone else, I can laugh and joke and act like everything is fine. As soon as I'm by myself and have time to think, I get really depressed and start thinking about things that I haven't thought about for a long time...and things I've never really seriously thought about. I think I'm just stuck in a rut and like most other times, I'll probably come out of this while still being stuck in the same rut and just choosing to not worry about it, but for the meantime, it really sucks. I don't feel suicidal, I don't think I ever really would kill myself but it's on my mind pretty much whenever I have time to myself and start thinking. I know someone who will understand the feeling because it's not that I want to actively kill myself, but if I happen to die either through something stupid that I do or pure chance, that's fine by me.

There's a lot that's been on my mind that I've been wanting to get out in here and maybe I'll actually make time for it sometime soon. Maybe that will help...

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