I wish I was a porcudillo
24 November, 2004 :: 5:23 p.m.
So I received this email late last week:
Am going to try to get your attention one more time...
I've been thinking about you a lot recently and hope you're okay. Also want to know if there is anything special on your Christmas list this year. Let me know your current address too....and, how everything is going and what's new.
Don't be a stranger!
Love you lots,
So I sent this reply:
Sorry I didn't reply to the last email...it was a case meaning to and then somehow thinking that since I meant to I must've done it.
Just been severely unhappy lately...sick of school...honestly the classes left for me to fulfill to graduate are garbage...not one of them would make me a bit more qualified for a job than I am already at this point. I'm bitter that they changed requirements the semester that I took off and upon coming back I learned that the science requirement which I'd already met had been changed so now I need another science class (one with a lab)...not one class they offer is something that will give me anything other than random useless knowledge. I also have one phys. ed. credit left...because walking or billiards or bowling will make me more hirable--bullshit. Comp II: while my grammar and syntax in emails and personal writings might not show it, I consistently get B+s or higher on my papers by the very same professors who teach comp II, so I fail to see how that will improve me. With luck I will be done next summer...we'll see. Then I have no clue what I'm doing. I don't have an education degree, but I have a strong background in English. I've been told by a few people that there are areas (particularly in the poor south) where they are desperate for teachers and will hire people with degrees other than education. In the one instance in South Carolina, they told a manager of mine at work that they'd hire him (based on a two year computer degree) as a math/science teacher and he'd have three years to complete the education degree...I'd be interested in something like that and then moving back north once I had some experience and a real degree. Other than that possibility, I have no definite plans.
I'm bitter over the election. I realize from forwards and comments and such that I'm a black sheep politically in the family, but I absolutely loathe Bush, Cheney, Rice, Rumsfeld, etc., and the direction they are taking this country. I would be one of the many considering leaving this country because I'm sick of what it stands for. My main reason against leaving is if everyone with views like mine were to leave, it would basically be giving up the fight and handing over the country.
Honestly I don't have any desire for anything for Christmas. I'm as fed up with capitalism as I am the government in this country. It's hard to wean yourself off of consumerism when that's what you've been programmed from adolescence to believe in, but I have too many material possessions. The only things I still care about owning are movies, music and books...I'm trying to keep myself from impulse purchases of things that will be garbage or unwanted clutter later on. Plus I don't feel like I've earned a place in the family or on anyone's Christmas list the past few years.
I never intended to go this long without seeing members of the family, it just sort of snowballed and now it just seems like so much time has passed that it's awkward and I don't know what to say to anyone. There is basically nothing going on of any interest...I still work for a company I despise that treats employees and communities like shit unless there is PR value for them; I'm still going to school and majoring in nothing; I have no plans for marriage in the near or distant future.
I'm going through my blah daily routine waiting to cast off the shackles of school and this dead end job so that I can move somewhere else and probably pick up another stiflingly pointless job...unless the teaching thing pans out in which case I'll have the honor of being despised by students, parents and taxpayers and possibly ignite a spark or fan a flame in the occasional child so that he or she grows up to reach his or her potential and remembers that I was one of the rare adults who believed along the way.
I'm sure there is more that should be said or I should have written what is already here better, but I can't right now. I'm going to close.
Then I received this:
Glad to hear from you, but sorry you're feeliing so down.
I may break my response into multiple emails...am trying to phrase meaningful responses.
I understand that you think the classes left for you to fulfill to graduate are garbage, and perhaps none will have any meaning for you except THEY WILL COUNT TOWARDS OBTAINING YOUR DEGREE. You have worked for too long to get through college, and as easy as it is for me to say, not being in your shoes--stick it out. And maybe, just maybe, you'll meet the woman of your dreams, a professor who enlightens you, or a person who becomes a friend for life. As for the phys ed requirement--do billiards. Then you can teach me. I enjoy it, but usually have to have a few drinks to not get pissed off for playing so poorly.
I think going somewhere....anywhere....to teach, is a wonderful idea. I can definitely see you teaching. Keep researching that, along with finding a suitable area to move to. Give yourself something to look forward to. Moving to a new area is a great experience and something to be excited about. I think you need a change of scenery and environment.
You aren't the only political black sheep...if I remember correctly, your father seemed quite liberal the last I heard. That's been awhile; haven't talked/chatted online with him in a very long time. It isn't surprising to me that you lean that way, particularly in the environment you're in, and it's okay that you feel the way you do despite my strong belief of the opposite. I believe what this country needs is an honest, straight-forward leader, and that's what we got with George W. What exactly are you sick of that you think the country stands for? Freedom? Opportunity? John Kerry was not a good candidate, no matter how much the left wanted him to be. He was an empty suit, who has spent too many years as a senator to make a good president. He clearly tried to cater to too many special interest groups, and that made him appear to have no defined plan or ideas of his own. I have no objection over a moderate democrat, who is reasonable and not anti-American. It is a travesty when the likes of Michael Moore share a seat of honor with a former president at the DNC's national convention. The party has gone far too left to be effective or appealing to most Americans. Zel Miller said it best when he gave his speech at the Republican convention--it's not the same (democrat) party it used to be. We (Americans) are not the bad guys. And the left in this country seem to be promoting that idea, which is festering the mood across the water. I am not trying to be argumentative, and I'm not a good debater. I am interested in your opinions and how you have formulated your ideas and conclusions.
end of part one
Earned a place in the family? I may find fault with "the family" for many different reasons, but one thing they are not, is grudge-holders. We all love you unconditionally--I think that's important for you to understand. You can vote for democrats, become a communist, tell us you're gay, paint your head blue (I was going to say red, but figured that would have political meaning ) and we'd still love you unconditionally. Your grandma and grandpa are not getting any younger. It would do them a world of good for you to stop in, or call. They would be thrilled. I understand you feel like there's nothing of interest going on and nothing to say. I drive 7 hours to visit them, and am ready to drive 7 hours back after only being there an hour or two. I UNDERSTAND. But I make myself call them, even though my job sucks and I've got my own problems that I'd never tell them about...just to say hi and ask how they're doing. Use Thanksgiving as an excuse to just call and wish them a happy Thanksgiving. You're an adult and can decide things for yourself....here I am telling you what to do. But you know what? I've always thought of you as the son I never had. I care about you and what happens to you. And they do too. Don't let their funeral be the next time you "visit."
Some teachers are very successful--many feel as you do now. But you CAN make a difference, and you might just find a way to do that for more than one child in a class. And make yourself feel worthwhile in the process.
So what kind of anti-depressants have you tried? Are you on any now?
I hope I'm not risking you telling me to go fly a kite (or worse.)
Please don't be a stranger....keep in touch.
Oy...I don't even know where to begin...but these are from my aunt who is probably the easiest person in my family to talk to...at least my dad's family. She's the sanest, most reasonable and still she ends with asking me what anti-depressants I've tried? So that should be my solution? I don't like how the election turned out, despite what she thinks, Bush is nothing but a fucking deluded liar, capitalism sucks...I'll just pop pills and ignore it all. Yet again Aldous Huxley and Soma pop into my head. I'm not denying Kerry was far from being the best candidate the Democrats could've put out, but he would still have been a better leader than Bush...ugh, fuck, I can't make sense of shit anymore. I cannot get my head around Bush winning the popular vote. If it was rigged, he did a much better job this time around. That's not what this is about though...yes, I hate Bush; yes, this country is bullshit; yes, I'm depressed about a lot...but I haven't talked to my aunt in almost a year, I send one email and now I need drugs... Part of me has wanted to talk to a doctor and see about anti-depressants, but the part of me that likes to be in control resists. It's like saying you aren't good enough on your own. Pop this so you can be a more productive member of society. So what if it leaves you feeling not yourself. Who can say? Maybe I'm missing a chemical that I'm supposed to have in which case maybe that would make me more like the me I'm supposed to be; but the mind I trudge around inside now is the one I've always known so even if it isn't functioning the way it's supposed to, it's what I know and it's me...
The bits of dreams that I can remember lately are more of the recurring theme of being trapped. I have the chain of school attached to a 1 ton weight on one ankle and the chain of this area attached to a 1 ton weight on the other and I'm stuck in a room of waist-deep water that is continuing to rise--and I can't swim for shit when I'm not chained down, so will I make it out before I drown...I dunno. I have serious doubts.
But part of it is the time of year and my job...depression always gets deeper in fall and winter...add to that my hatred of humanity and the fact that I work retail and it's the holiday season and I'm absolutely despising work lately. My skin crawls when people walk by me, I want to shrink inside myself, I want to be a fucking porcupine and an armadillo rolled into one.