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18 March, 2010 :: 12:54 a.m.

how long do you have to not speak to someone before you officially declare a friendship dead?

i hate to see friendships disappear, but then i've never been particularly good at being a friend. i can handle one, maybe two, close friendship, a few more where talking regularly isn't required and a girlfriend.

i don't know if i've lost a friend for sure, but it feels like it...feels like i've lost several actually, but only one that matters. perhaps it's different for others, but once i get to know someone well, i have hundreds if not thousands more conversations with them than they are ever aware of. i write letters in my head, i have conversations with these friends in my head...pretty much any time i've got a decision to make, i talk it out with one or two people whose opinions i value most on whatever the matter at hand is.

so in a way, i haven't lost your friendship. i still turn to you for advice regularly. the thing is, the longer we go without talking, the less sure i am of the advice i get; it becomes much more likely that i'm altering you and twisting your opinions into ones you yourself would never have, giving myself advice you would never give me.

the last email i sent you, i wrote something and, after sending it, i thought, "hmmm, that could be taken badly." but when we talked more regularly, we busted on each other all the time and i figured you would realize it was a joke, if a poor one. i don't know if that was the reason i haven't heard from you since; i don't know if you already felt our friendship was hanging by a thread and that remark snipped the thread; i don't know if you're just busy with real life and don't have time for virtual friends.

i will continue to carry you with me, keep that version of you updated on what's happening in my life, but i 'll try not to turn to you for advice on the chance that i'm right and i'm making a mockery of all those times you gave me sound advice and didn't hold it against me when i ignored it.

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