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Semester break
05 January 2002 :: 3:40 p.m.

Nine days til school starts again. This is the first semester since I started that I haven't looked forward to the coming semester. As dull as town is when everyone goes home for break, I'm just not ready for another semester. Last spring, the night before three finals that I hadn't studied for, I wigged out. Char was also kicking me out of the apartment after saying it was okay if I stayed just until school was over. I got home to grab my books and go study and she just is like, "Take your shit and get out!" Just what I need the night before finals start. Other shit was on my mind too...I don't remember. So I flipped. I had a huge amount of ephedrine which I learned long ago to use to keep myself awake for classes. I just grabbed a shitload of them, I don't even know how many and popped 'em all in my mouth. Spent the night sitting with a state police officer (great guy) while I was at the hospital waiting for my psychological evaluation. I don't know why I did it, I wasn't happy, but I don't really think I wanted to die...but I joked with the police and doctors and they let me go home so I could take my finals the next morning...of course it was now like 11 p.m. and my first final was at 8. But I made it through and got like three A's and a problem. And the night after those finals, I took ecstasy for the first time and had a great damn night. This last semester I started wigging out at the end too. I had two English classes that had 10 page papers due instead of finals, I had a psych class that although I loved I just couldn't seem to make it to, like skipping the entire last three weeks. My math class was the only one that I was doing remotely okay in and settled for a B- when I could have easily gotten an A. My report card? 2 I's, B-, F. Two incompletes that I have to make up...including one of those 10 page papers that I still haven't written and the psych class which I have two tests to take. My last semester is still hanging over my head with a really foul stench, how can I be ready to go back again in a week? I'm not stressing the paper...I have Monday, Tuesday, next Saturday and Sunday off from work, I can do it. I hate hearing all these kids bitch about stressing over tests when that's all they have to worry about. So many people up there with their parents' money...try working 35 hours a week on third shift and see if you can stay awake for your classes and find time for homework, then bitch. I'm bitching now, but I don't bitch about it during the semester, I just roll and get done what needs done. Until this last semester. After Thanksgiving break I was just like, fuck it, don't care. Then the last week, I realized, oh shit, I do care, but it's too late now. I feel like I'm breaking down earlier and earlier each semester. This ain't good, son, better get your shit together. Gotta focus and keep my vision clear this semester. Can't do another like the last. But hopefully things with Emily will be a little more calm this semester. Hopefully we can work shit out. I just wish she wouldn't press. She knows, because she tells me all the time, that I'm not over Char, that we got involved too soon. She continues to press for more commitment though; she can't be happy just knowing that I love her--it's always gotta be, "But are you "in love" with me?" Why can't she see that's part of what broke us up last semester? I just want to have fun and see where things go, she wants to know where we're at and she wants it to be where she wants it. I realize she graduates in May, but why can't she see that pushing doesn't work? Let's have fun and just get along and share some good times together between now and May and see where we're at then.

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