Optimism? What the hell is that?
06 January, 2002 :: 6:31 a.m.
Remembered to set my computer to the right day and time AND I didn't screw around with the coffee this morning so it came out tasting really nice. Good start, my boy. Also got a pack of regular camels...so glad that pack of lights that I bought at work last night is gone. I was on lunch and wanted to come home, so I just took what Michelle had at the register which was a pack of lights rather than waiting for her to walk down and get regulars, next time I'll take the extra minute and a half. Today's looking good so far, but it's actually the end of my day since I work third shift and sleep always seems to mess things up. I wouldn't say I'm in a good mood this morning, but at least I'm not in a bad one. That's always a plus. And what's this, I think just a hint of optimism...I better check that out, cause optimism definitely is not normal for me. I have this strange little bit of ambition that I haven't felt in more than a week. Lately I don't know whether it's just because I've been depressed about last weekend and the end of any type of relationship with Char, or whether it's part of this illness that I can't seem to shake, but I've really had no energy or ambition to do anything. The few times I've felt ambitious enough to clean or do anything, I've felt all my energy drain away within a few minutes...I spent half an hour on the couch yesterday thinking about being thirsty before I could get up to get a drink...that's definitely not me. Tomorrow begins the work of reading Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" and writing a ten page paper. So glad to have homework over the semester break. My own fault though, shoulda had it done and turned in when it was due. Em will be home next Saturday and I'm really looking forward to that. Must be part of this strange optimism that has crept in. Our experiment of being a couple again will begin then and we'll see how it goes. It could be a wild disaster, but I'm hoping things work out. One thing though...haven't told her about this diary yet and I don't know if I want her reading it. At the same time, I don't want to keep secrets. If I were keeping a journal, I think she'd respect my privacy because she keeps journals herself, but if I say it's an online diary and anybody who wants to can read it, but I don't want her reading it...I don't think that will fly. If she does end up reading it, I hope she realizes that all the stuff about Char is not because I'm pining for a lost relationship. I mean I am, but it's pining for a lost friendship and I have a bad feeling Emily will think it's more. I'm just trying to get Char out of my system. Actually some of the optimism stems from the fact that Char and I are no longer speaking, something that would sound weird to anyone having read the other entries. But now Char is totally gone. I can't honestly say that there weren't times when Char and I hung out as friends where things seemed to slip back into the "when we were together" groove. I can't say that at those times I didn't think, "what if?" Yes, sometimes spending time with Char made me think about when we were together and wish that we could be sharing good times together like that again, but now that's not going to happen. And there were a lot of fights with Emily because of times I'd hang out with Char and be out late or I'd defend Char when Emily would start talking about her. That's not to say I wouldn't still defend Char if I dind't like what Emily was saying about her, but now she's not going to be a topic of conversation, so that's one less strain on Emily and myself. I'm hoping for a good semester... I really do love and care for Emily and now is the time to see where those feeling lead. I just hope she is willing to be patient and let things develop. That's the one area that worries me because I know how impatient she is and how she wants things to be her way. I don't blame her, I wouldn't want to be in love with someone who wasn't sure where her feelings for me would lead. We'll see what happens. I guess while I'm still feeling ambitious and the laundrymat is dead I should go take care of my laundry that I've been putting off.
