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Can't Think
11 February, 2002 :: 11:26 a.m.

I don't know whether I'm changing or everyone else is...

I've really gotten into my American Romanticism class. It hits home. "Call me Ishmael." I totally get Ishmael...he dislikes people and likes to go to sea to get away from them. I have no desire to join a whaling ship...I don't even speak Japanese...but I totally get his just wanting to get away from people and learn and find himself. Emerson also suggests getting away from people to find yourself, although he says stick close to home because travelling isn't gonna help you find yourself. I disagree with him on that point. The world is too connected these days to be content to sit in this dinky little town. I think you can find yourself by throwing yourself into different places and different situations. At least I hope so, cos I'm not finding myself here. And Whitman and his feeling connected to everyone, even generations not yet born when he wrote--generations like us. Dr. K. explains this shit so well...I mean I got it when I read it, but Dr. K. can just fucking talk about shit and make you feel it even more. I watch people and wonder about them and what it would be like to know them. Feeling connected to all of these strangers and at the same time not liking too many people, so the odds of ever getting to know them are nil. But sometimes you see someone and even if you don't get to know them at that moment, you know that you share something with them. Maybe you already shared something with them in a previous life, maybe your supposed to know them in this life, just not at this moment, maybe you'll know them next time round. I love Whitman's view of things. We're all connected, all made up of atoms that have been around forever and were parts of other people once or other things; it's just through this particular form that we identify ourselves now, but we've been around forever and will be around forever. That's pretty much how I've always felt, but Whiman writes it much better.

But through all this, I don't know if I'm growing or feeling the need to grow and just haven't found the direction I need to grow in. Meantime, contacts with other people feel strange. It feels like the people I know are going through changes, but I don't know if that's just me perceiving something that's not there, or if it's real. I'm hating this entry because it sounds hauntingly familiar, but it's what's there. And some of this stuff I wanted to say before, but someone else beat me to it, so I waited...but the feeling ain't go away. Yes, I wrote that that way intentionally. I just don't know whether I'm moving out of reach of certain people, or if they're moving away from me, or if it's all just a temporary phase that will go away in a day or a week or whatever. I don't particulary like it though...that much I know.

I can't think (Why do I feel I'm losin my mind?)...

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