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Worst entry ever (not really...well, maybe...prolly not...fuck if I know...even if it is, there'll be worse to come)
10 April, 2002 :: 2:09 p.m.

Saturday night I really wanted to go to Carmina Burana--the orchestra concert Emily was in. Due to my inability to stop, stretch or bend time in any way, this wasn't possible. I dropped her off and by the time I could get out of the parking lot, get to an ATM and then get to another ATM (the one at my bank was out of order due to a power outage--sweet!), there was no way to get back up before the concert began.

My consolation prize? A really good conversation with De-vil-angel in which we got on the topic of late 80's and early 90's rap. That was a golden time in some ways for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go back and relive everything because I absolutely hated school or much else of what was going on in my life at that point, but I wish I could go back and relive the music over again.

A couple entries ago I talked about being stuck in moments and not wanting to leave and how, for me, this has a lot to do with music. This is just another example. Steph (a.k.a. De-vil-angel) is lucky--she is getting to experience some of this music now for the first time. But in another way, she missed out on the time when that was

the music.

Anyway, even further back in another entry I mentioned stumbling across some of my old tapes [editor's note: this entry has since been deleted]. Now this isn't even a fifth of the tapes and cds that I had from that time, but it was like uncovering a time capsule that I forgot that I buried. Black Sheep, Das Efx, Public Enemy, the Pharcyde, Spice 1, happy. Some good r&b too: Johnny Gill, Karyn White, Lo-Key (who only had like one or two good songs on, but what the hell) I've been listening to this stuff whenever I get the chance. It takes me back. It's simple, it's fun, it's from a time when I wasn't yet me. There were a lot of firsts still ahead of me, a lot of opportunities that would present themselves to me, a lot that I didn't know.

Granted, I still may not know shit, but I knew even less then. But like all teenagers, I thought I knew. I didn't know.

Why do I want to stay back there in the past. Why do I miss out on the present (topic of yet another old entry--this is like that Simpson's episode where they just rehashed old plots and Comicbook Guy kept popping up saying, "Worst episode ever.") for the sake of going over something that has already happened, something that I can't change, for the millionth time? Why? It's irrational. Humans are irrational. We are self-aware, we can be totally aware of the fact that we are doing something wrong and still do it. Craziness. But I like to look backwards, remember things how they were. Smells, textures, sounds...everything was more alive then. And 10 years from now, everything now (that I manage to be conscious for) will be more alive for me than what is going on at that time. And I'll constantly live my life watching the replays. While I'm trying to figure out why I do this how many things will go zooming by? I leave for Boston at 4a.m. Friday morning! Hopefully I can remain conscious for the trip so that next month and next year and five years from now I'll have more good memories to try on and see if they still fit. (Uh oh! Pat, who did that sound like?) But that's just's like someone who still has a closet full of clothes from the 70's and refuses to go buy a new shirt or new pair of jeans despite the fact the stuff in the closet is too tight and really hideous.

So be it.

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