Talking Hard...maybe saying something...
19 July, 2002 :: 3:30 a.m.
Emily thinks that all she earns in my diary is that she is basically a good person. I'm not done, damnit!
I do love Emily, but she's right...she told me the other day that I can't say that to her anymore because when I say it it doesn't mean the same thing as when she says it. I hate that I can't say it to her, I hate the fact that I can't hang out with her on a night off, but I know that we can't be a couple and it would be easy to slip back into the relationship if we were to hang out. It would only end up hurting her more to drag it out and give her hope that we can be a couple and then snatch that away again later.
I stuck with her after a lot of shit...but at the same time I put her through a lot of shit. She doesn't deserve what she's had to put up with and I don't deserve to be a victim of her temper and insecurity.
Emily deserves to be loved by someone who can say that he is in love with her...I tried to tell her in the beginning that I was just coming out of a three year relationship with someone that I was in love with and I wasn't the one who chose to end the relationship initially. I couldn't just forget Char and transfer my feelings to Emily...I talked about it a lot at first, but I could tell Em was getting sick of hearing about how great Char was and how I felt so bad that I'd fucked it up...I don't blame her, I wouldn't want to hear it either...but that meant I had to hold it in and I realize now that I pushed it down and thought that it was all gone, but it's not...I don't want Char back because she isn't the same Char, but I miss the hell out of her and wish she could still be part of my life.
I joined the Hardtalkers diary ring because what I put in here is the truth--but I've been leaving out parts that would lead to fights...it was really helpful to put entries about Char in here, but again I had to end it when I told Em about the diary and that she needed to read it. I may still not put everything I feel in here because, hell, maybe I don't want to look back and remember certain things...but I'm going to write what I feel when I feel it and if feelings get hurt or people don't like it, it's too bad. This is mine, for me. I write trivial shit about commercials sometimes because that's what's on my mind and I want to look back and remember and maybe make myself laugh...others are deep down feelings I have about people or issues and I want to remember that I felt that way and why I felt that way.
There will be entries about Char if that's who is on my mind, there will be more about Emily, there will be more. At least that's how I feel at this point. One day I may decide that this isn't for me anymore that my diary has run its course, but I get something out of it for now and so I'll put what I wish in here. There will probably be mentions of stupid commercials that piss me off as well. More often than not I sit down at the computer thinking I'm going to write about one thing and before I know it, something totally different has appeared before me.
Back to the relationship. I hate hurting Emily; it was never my intent. The reason we hooked up originally was that Char didn't want me and Emily expressed interest. Em said she didn't want a serious relationship because she wanted out of Mansfield as soon as she graduated and didn't want to be emotionally tied to someone...this seemed perfect to me because I just ended a three year relationship and didn't want to fall right into another--whoops, before I knew it I was realizing that not only was Em just fun to hang out with, but she was talented and interesting and intelligent and I let myself open up and fall for her...she did the same for whatever reasons she decided she liked me. I still don't know why she ever loved me let alone still says she loves me. I was a schmuck at the beginning sleeping with both her and Char and not considering myself tied to either, not sure of what I wanted, but willing to sleep with either one. It was shitty and I never thought I'd be that kind of a guy and then I found myself doing it...I don't know why, I don't know who I was...but I did it. When Em and I broke up last fall, I told her that I wanted some time by myself to find myself again...and honestly that is what I wanted...but at the same time, I didn't want to be alone and I was flirting with other girls and had they been available probably hooked up with one or more of them because I was back to that whatever makes ME happy person that was sleeping with Char and Emily both. WHAT THE FUCK!? That was never me, I despised those guys. Twice though I turned into him--once I acted on it, the other I only didn't because the opportunity wasn't there.
Emily deserves better than that...she does deserve to be loved, but she needs to work out her issues. I can't be there to hold her and help her through because I don't want to be her boyfriend and just being friends won't work. I'm making a vow not to get seriously involved with anyone right away and also to not just sleep around. If I have a chance to go on a date, I probably will, but I will go back to the guy that wasn't so needy for attention and go back to the guy who exercised control of his desires. Finding myself and getting myself back on track is more important than a piece of ass. Any girl worth a long term relationship with me isn't going to throw herself at me right away anyway and I've got to remember that...or at least she won't be offended if I say I want to move slow. That's not a dig at Emily or Char, because they were both great girls, but I slept with both of them too soon and it sped things up and I didn't have a chance to sit back and plan a course. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE A FUCKING SOAP OPERA ANYMORE! I want to know what the hell I want. I want to be happy.
When I think of Em's and my relationship, the first thing that pops into my head are those rubber octopus things that you got out of gumball machines as a kid that were sticky. You threw them at a window, they stuck, then slowly slipped down until they fell away from the glass...Em and I threw ourselves together and stuck, but kept slipping and then grabbing back on. I don't know who is the octopus and who is the window, but we're at the bottom now where there's nothing to do but fall away...that's not poetic and it may sound cold, but it's the truth.
All I can say is that the feelings of loneliness and still being in love with someone who doesn't return that love and just wanting to die because it'd be easier--I've been there several times and made it through. Looking back the first couple times I can honestly say it wasn't even true love, but that didn't diminish the pain I felt at the time. I made it through. That's why I'd change places with her if I could...I'd gladly accept all of the pain she is feeling because I know I can handle it and I hate being the cause of it in someone else...especially someone who has so many great qualities and who can be so much fun at times. But I can't just wipe the memory of the bad away and I choose not to return to it. She says she wants to change, I believe she does indeed want to, but I don't think it would happen if we were back together.