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Taking a leap
24 August, 2002 :: 6:02 p.m.

Well, some big changes in my life are coming...

First time in four years that I won't be in school this fall. I'm taking a semester off. Part of me is overjoyed and part of me is not happy. Being a college student has become part of my identity--I don't have tons of friends at school, but when I'm there I feel like I belong, like my life is headed towards something better than working at the same time, it will be nice to enjoy a fall without all the stress of writing papers and not getting any sleep.

I think this will be a positive for Teri's and my relationship, but that is not the reason that I'm not in school. The reason I'm not in school is my own fault...I kept putting off talking to financial aid because I was afraid of the answer I was going to get and somehow avoiding hearing it seemed better at the time. I didn't think I was going to be able to get financial aid. The school okayed my financial aid. Oops. Unfortunately by the time I found this out, I was looking at mid-October before the money would be here. While the school would have been content to wait, I would need books and have no money for books. I also haven't paid my library fine because I was under the impression that they would add it to my next bill, but they won't--I can borrow $10,500 this year and need only $5,600 of it for tuition and probably another $500 for books for both semesters, if that, but they couldn't just add the $90 to my bill and take it out of the loan.

Why can't I pay the $90? Because I'll probably be moving this next week and I need the money to pay bills. That's the other big change. It's not Mansfield like I was originally planning, but in the long run, I think it will be better. I'm excited to get back's been nice being home, I've seen my Keri and Megan and Dan and Martha plus had a few convos with the 'rents, but it'll be nice to be back out and feel independent again.

I'm still going to miss school like mad...funny how I wasn't looking forward to school at all until the chance to go was gone. It's my own fault and while I will miss it, I'm still looking forward to a fall without the hassles of school...looking forward to focusing on enjoying life and taking time for this new relationship. I really hope things work out with Teri because we really just feel like we mesh...that sounds familiar like I've written those same words before, but I'm not sure... It's the truth though...I can talk to her, I can tell her about the mistakes I've made, i.e. fear of commitment, not being completely open, sleeping with two girls during the same period of time and not telling either of them what I was doing. I'm owning up to these mistakes in an effort to not make them learn from them. I feel like I can tell her these things without being judged because she shares her mistakes with me as well...and some of them have been pretty similar.

I think we both realize that we are at that age (she's two months older) where it's time to look at your life and see what you've been doing, to own up to the mistakes and see what you can do to correct them and start shaping your future (yes, I see the irony of talking about shaping my future at the same time I take a break from college). I really feel like we can be open with each other and build a relationship. I know it's only been a month and a half, but it feels right.

(Documenting this hoping that I can look back on it in the future and say, "See, I was right on," and not, "Damn, how stupid.")

I'm hoping this turns out to be a positive move even if not a totally planned one.

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