And the walls still crumble...
06 February, 2003 :: 8:09 a.m.
Last night was much, much better...hah.
I didn't get angry last night...mildly annoyed because Shawn continues to harp on this box count thing, but it wasn't a big deal because most of us are simply refusing to do it.
No, so I didn't get angry last night, especially not the blood boiling anger of the last few nights...no, instead I spent the first two hours depressed and several times feeling near tears...yeah, this is great. And again, after break the night went fine. But there was nothing wrong, nothing happening the first two hours that should have had me near tears anymore than the last few nights should have brought me to near-blinding rage. Something is still not right. And I still don't know what that something is. All I know is the first two hours of last night I felt totally alone, totally disconnected from everyone. I contemplated walking out again, but for totally different reasons this time. I don't know what it is, don't know why it's only lasting the first two hours. As soon as we go on break and I talk with Lacey and Hutch and the whoever else is there, I am back to feeling okay. Okay, that's not quite true...I barely spoke during break and still felt depressed afterwards, but much, much less so than prior to break.
I just feel like I have no foundation anymore and the slightest breeze could bring me crashing down. I just wanted to run away...be Bruce Banner wandering from town to town, trying to come to terms with my inner self and kill the monster.
I don't remember having any dreams yesterday while I slept...I know that supposedly everyone dreams, but I rarely remember any of them or at best I'll get faint images of my dreams many hours later...something will happen that triggers a memory from the dream...sometimes I can piece them together, most of the times I just have the vague impressions of what the dream was. But the day before, I had a dream where I was at work, Josh said something annoying and it was one time too many...I spun and pounced and before I knew it I was pounding his face to a bloody pulp. That was it to that dream, just really violent...I don't normally have really violent dreams...the ones I remember anyway.
But the other one was just totally messed up. I was expecting Teri for dinner Tuesday night...I set my alarm for 3 because she said she'd be over between 3 and 4. I woke up and she wasn't here so I figured I'd go back to sleep until my other alarm went off at 4. I drifted off and heard her come in...or someone come in anyway...but I remained in bed. I heard some movement and then I heard the door close...strange. Then the phone rang, but I didn't hear a message left on the machine, so I got up and wandered out. I can't remember what the message was, but I remember it not being good. So I looked at the computer and where the Start button normally is down in the corner, it had been replaced with, "I hate you." I clicked it and suddenly the screen came alive with images of Char and a letter. The letter basically told me that Teri had never loved me or even liked me, she had been working with Char to fuck with my head for the past seven months. Char's part of the letter said that she had gone as far as she could with fucking me and getting my hopes up that we'd get back together and then crushing those hopes. So she'd gotten together with Teri and Teri had agreed to take over. Once I was emotionally attached to Teri, she purposely (this is Teri's part of the letter now, by the way) started acting like a lunatic to see how much shit I would take...then the breaking up was just to add to the emotional roller coaster...then the call crying saying she wanted to work things out, then me breaking up with her...her coming back crying that she wanted to work things out and us sleeping together again...basically everything up to the present had all just been to continue the head fuck that Char had started...then I really did hear the door slam and I jumped up out of bed, heart racing, and walked out. I realized that I had been dreaming, but it was one of those ones where when you get startled out of it, you aren't totally sure you're out of the dream. So I cautiously walked to the computer, but it was just my normal computer screen again...I hit the connect icon to get online and checked my mail...a letter from Teri, still not sure I'm awake so I warily click on it...but it's just a letter saying her mom worked third shift the night before and was tired so she wasn't coming over for dinner because she was going to cook supper for her parents instead. I heard the slam again and jumped...now I was fully awake and realized that the sound had been a gust of wind slamming the outside door.
So that was a lovely little dream. And I remember now that I didn't have a third dream, I had a dream yesterday and it was a very vivid one of Lacey and myself...odd because I rarely dream about people I know and this makes two days in a row...odd because I also rarely have sexual dreams...but this one was indeed a sexual dream...more than that, but the sex was very real. Basically I guess the dream was that Lacey and I decided we had more than a mutual attraction for one another and started dating...the sex was our first day of sex.
I don't know what's going on inside my head, but I'm remembering dreams, I'm dreaming of people I actually know (I'm usually either alone in my dreams or with faceless people I don't know), I'm bouncing all over the place from extreme violence to extreme paranoia to etreme erotica. This is all weird, the feelings I've been having at work are all weird, the fact that they last only the first couple hours makes it stranger yet...I really feel like I'm cracking.
All the psych courses and all of his friends couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again...