With blinders on, always
21 February, 2003 :: 1:32 p.m.
OY
I wasn't going to put up a new entry yet because I hadn't gotten a single vote either way on my request for opinions on my last entry. I realize it's only been like 10 hours, but not even one. So thanks for nothing everyone...kidding. It matters not because the letter I sent her last night was much nicer and the response to it was, "FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!" So that made up my mind for me and I sent the letter from my last entry. You can still tell me whether you agree or not, but it's already done.
So anyway, new entry then, right?
My head is throbbing...I did bar-laundry last night. Actually my last entry or two were after I got back from the bar...but before I went to bed and woke up feeling like ass. But anyway, I went out right after the letter from Teri so I was pissed...even though I already knew she was a liar, I was pissed because finally it was confirmed--again. Hey, I said before that I give people enough trust to hang myself with.
I'm trying to fight the urge to go off on the whole "how the fuck do I hate people but still end up trusting people?" thing.
Anyway...focusing is not so easy right now. But whatever. She is supposed to be dropping off my key in the next few minutes...just in the mailbox so I don't have to deal with her...we had a lovely little phone chat...I'm the jerk and she's the victim now in her eyes because of my "nasty e-mail." Whatever, whatever shit...
So bar-laundry...on a completely empty stomach after getting the e-mail...not my wisest move...but laundry is done, folded and mostly put away. Woooo for me or something.
Mark's Brothers didn't cheer me up...I looked around and I saw...townies and hot girls. No, I wasn't looking last night for someone to hook up with last night...just looking at what it's going to be like now that I'm back to single. I know I need to take some time for myself. Whether that happens or not remains to be seen...will I one day listen to the part of me that knows what the hell it's talking about, and will that voice stop bitching about relationships and figure out, if it's so smart, what the hell I should be doing with my life as far as career? I mean I'm running out of semesters to hide at walmart under the guise of "working towards bettering myself."
Maybe it's telling me that if I would chill the fuck out with crazy bitches it would have time to ponder that...actually, that's what it just told me in response to that question. We'll see.
So anyway, it was just the realization that last night, a month from now, a year from now, the faces might change...but this is what I'm going to see when I go out. I'm not going to meet anyone worth a shit. No more fucking locals...maybe for fun, but not for relationship. And the other girls...I'm A FUCKING LOCAL! They will pass me by for the pretty boys with mommy and daddy's cash in their pockets. So fuck...time to put the heart on the shelf for a while. When you are looking, you can't see clearly. The only time I've found love, real love, was when I wasn't looking. And a lot of good it did me anyway...it sent me into a tailspin I never pulled out of...no, instead I kept getting offered parachutes and I stubbornly kept trying to pull up and straighten out...now I'm walking away from the smoldering wreckage wondering how the fuck I'm still even here.
Wow...it's 2, so I just checked my mailbox...I got the key and the watch I gave her for Valentine's Day! So I got the watch back, and the microwave...woooo. She's not a selfish bitch afterall...she truly is good people. I think I'm in love all over again. Actually I don't think I had a chance to be "in love"...develop love for her, yes...but not fall in love...some shit was always keeping that from happening...and yet, idiot that I am, I kept going with it. I would laugh at me if I wasn't me...a big, rude, right in my face laugh.
My head still hurts and I don't think I got anywhere...but I'm bored with typing for the moment.