If it weren't the ramblings of an idiot, you'd be at the wrong damn diary, wouldn't you?
27 February, 2003 :: 7:03 a.m.
Okay, let me start with a plea to anyone who has read this even semi-regularly. I need to know if any of my entries are interesting. No, I'm not looking for ego stroking (although I certainly would never turn down some good ego stroking)...Lacey asked me for my diary address again this morning. I kept saying no (for obvious reasons that I wasn't going to tell her), so she suggested that I just cut and paste some entries to let her see what it's all about. So any entry that doesn't mention I have a crush on her is fair game...but I honestly don't know what someone else finds interesting and what they find mind-numbingly dull. I know that personally, once I get to reading someone's diary on a regular basis, I could care less what they talk about...I'm hooked. It's like that book Erin sent me, Microserfs--it's set up as a diary...and some of the entries are totally inane...but still once you are emotionally invested in the character, it's all interesting, it's all good. Some is way more entertaining, but overall, even the "hey, this is what I had for breakfast" type entries are part of the whole and enjoyable. It's just something about peering into someone else's life. But I don't know what I should send to her. I'm starting with my birthday entry that pretty much started this whole thing...and probably the letter to Teri since she knows most of the story there also...but aside from that, is there anything that anyone remembers that sticks out? Seriously.
And since I'm on the subject of Lacey...aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. She has a flannel shirt that she wears sometimes. When she wears said flannel shirt, she wears it open with a strappy little tshirt underneath...the flannel has a way of falling down her shoulders and just driving me nuts. It also makes hugs a lot more fun, but dangerous. We walk with our arms around each other a lot...with her flannel falling down, that's my hand on her bare shoulder...something about skin-to-skin contact with her sends jolts of electricity through my body...including my now-neglected-since-I'm-single penis...no I haven't been popping erections, but that jolt of electricity definitely hits him too. And she just gave me sooo many hugs last night...and apparently kissing is now becoming part of our flirtation...not lips...she kissed my cheek twice last night...and since she has done that kiss on my neck that is barely more than a little brush of hot air over my skin thing twice and kissed my cheek twice last night alone, during the one hug, when her bare shoulder was right there in front of me, I kissed it. Just a quick kiss, but still something I probably shouldn't have done. She definitely didn't mind...but Andy would've had he seen it. I think I annoyed him this morning because I stayed to talk to her after work. See, they cut our hours to 35 for the next three weeks...so we're done at 5:30 instead of 6:30--but frozen, where he works, is still 6:30. Since I have no class today and the day off, I stayed and talked to Lacey--and Jerry (how do they spell it in the bible? he said it's spelled like in the bible...i didn't even know there was a Jerry of any spelling in the bible)...but mostly Lacey. Of course. Anyway, Andy looked kind of annoyed when he came to find them (they were giving Jerry a ride home because Lacey bought his old car and his new vehicle isn't on the road yet? or something...i dunno) and I was still there talking to her. I don't blame him, I really don't. I'm being a bad, bad person--and only half as bad as I want to be. If that. But I'm not going to do anything. No more kissing her. Plus, Andy has a car I might buy...a beater like I've been wanting! A ford aspire that's been hit by a deer. It's standard though which means back to trying to learn that shit again. I know the basics, I've just never had to drive a standard anywhere more than a couple of blocks...and it's always years in between those short little jaunts. But he said it still runs great, just needs to be fixed up..which I'm fairly sure Charlie could do for me. It's a possibility anyway. I could finally be rid of the money vortex I'm driving now. And have one of the little shit cars that I love so much for reasons I don't understand. So now I really like Andy...again, Fuck, fuckity, fuck!
And, in other fun news...Teri's friend Amy apparently has a big crush on me. Teri has several friends at work that, if they had crushes on me, I would sleep with in a minute...Teri's friend Amy? Married with 2 children--and I'm not attracted to her. She's not unattractive per se, I'm just not into her. AND SHE'S MARRIED--and has TWO kids. No,no,no,no,no,no,no,no, nooooooo. Amy and I always flirted when I was with Teri...but it was innocent flirting--like right in front of Teri, INNOCENT...or so I thought. So we've been chatting through IM and shit and no big deal. And then she asks me if I want to go to the Mardi Gras celebration in Williamsport with her...Hey, I can't afford to go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, so I'll settle for the Williamsport thing. From what I've heard the last few years from people who've been, it's pretty fun. So I said yes because I figured Amy is funny and shit and we always got along and fuck it, I don't owe Teri shit at this point...we're just gonna hang out for a night. THEN the next day Amy starts seriously hitting on me...telling me she always had a crush on me, she loves the way I always smell good (that I already knew because it was a running joke), and she and Chris aren't happy together anymore, hardly ever have sex, she was always jealous of Teri when we were together...blah, blah, blah...all this shit. Arrrrgggghhhh. I don't need this shit. So I'm trying to firmly say I'm not interested without being rude...the whole, "I've just gotten out of a relationship, I've been in one relationship after another for five years without a break, not interested in anyone"--not just her--because I'm trying to be nice about it. But then she's still talking about this weekend and wanting to go out. Now I have to say no because I drink and Amy doesn't, she'd be driving meaning dropping me back off here...I don't need to wake up the next morning going, "OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT!" I can just see Drunk Me thinking, "Hey, she's not unattractive, she's just not normally our type" (the truth is I have no "type" I just like girls...if I'm attracted to one, I'm attracted--but I'm not attracted to her on any level). "Hey, it'd also be a way of getting back at Teri because it would severely piss her off." "Hey, who knows when some girl will come right out and say she wants to fuck us again..." Uh uh. Not gonna listen to Drunk Me...not even gonna give him a chance to fuck things up. Oh yeah, and just to cement why I don't need to get myself involved in stupid-ass drama...Amy is a housewife with no ambitions for anything else. Perfectly content to let Chris bust his ass day in and day out to barely scrape by rather than get at least a part-time job to help out. That's what I need, a girl with two kids who sits on her butt around the house all day. Perfect. So no, I'm not going out with her Saturday and I've blocked her on my buddy list for now until I work up the nerve to just say, look, I'm not interested. I'm sorry, I thought it was all just innocent flirting, I didn't realize you had a thing for me. Why do I hate to do things for myself if I risk upsetting someone else? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I'm not gonna lead her on or risk doing something stupid for sex. So I have to just say it how it is...it's not like I'll ever cross paths with her again. Hopefully.
Tonight I think I will try to do my rent a movie, get some Guinness plan. Oh, and see if Movie Girl is working. I haven't forgotten about her in all this mess. It would just be nice after all of this to find out her name so I can stop calling her Movie Girl and find out whether she has a boyfriend or not so I can stop wondering about her. The thing is, aside from Lacey who is taken, I'm not wanting a relationship right now. But it would be cool if Movie Girl was single and we could get to know each other and maybe, maybe go on a date. But I really probably don't need that right now anyway. She's just an infatuation that I should drop.
We actually had The Catcher in the Rye at work...so I snagged a copy...haven't read it since high school.
The Rules of Attraction was...interesting to say the least. I'm not sure if I liked it, but I did like it better than American Psycho. It's odd, dark, but I'm not sure if I liked it or not. It was worth watching though. Borrowed it from Hutch when I loaned him Bruce Campbell V. Army of Darkness (he hadn't seen it!--neither has Lacey! what is up with these people???). He also, for reasons I am unsure of, loaned me Not Another Teen Movie...oy. Not the worst dumb-funny movie ever, but certainly a movie I could have gone to the grave without giving my time. Hutch is a great guy, but I'm unsure of anyone who hadn't seen Army but owns Teen Movie. Has anyone seen One Hour Photo??
Ok, don't forget after all of my rambling that I need suggestions for entries that are decent and safe to send to Lacey...I'd appreciate it.
P.S. Erin, I loved your new entry. Nice to know that someone else is so unsure...someone who actually has to worry about it before me too. I wanted to be a veterinarian though, not an archaeologist...but then the writing thing too...and the not actually sitting down to write. Unless I go into business writing papers for college students, I don't see myself ever being a writer. And I can just imagine the college students waiting for their papers--What the hell do you mean you are putting it off til the last minute??? No draft??? But I need a draft!!!--cuz that's how college kids speak...with multiple punctuation marks...or something. Blah. Anyway, I liked the entry.