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26 March, 2004 :: 11:17 a.m.

So as with everything in my life lately, I forgot to mention that I have a new love in my life...I call her Nicole.

She's a '96 Oldsmobile Aurora and she is the nicest car I've owned to date and probably that I will ever own. She was around the block about 97 million times before I ever met her or got to drive her, but she seems to be well cared for and I plan on taking care of her now myself. It's nice to have a car I actually enjoy driving again. I feel bad saying this because Gypsy got me through a lot, a lot, a lot of fun times and bad times...but our time is over. She may live on for a while longer, I'm hoping. My brother-in-law is supposed to pick her up and see if he can salvage her for my sister to use. Her body is failing (Gypsy's, not my sister's), but she's got a lot of heart.

Not much going on right now other than the fact that I sometimes swear I'm a couple of hair's thickness away from slipping into madness sometimes...and then it goes away and I feel fine for a bit. My moods are all over the charts during the course of a day. I mean I know it's normal to a point, but it's getting out of hand lately. The highs are high and the lows are really low. One minute things are AOK and without warning or a trigger that I notice, I'm feeling like life is pointless and just want to hide away from everything.

Right now I'm in a good mood and I know everything will all work out. In a few hours I could be feeling like nothing is working out and it's pointless to continue trying. But I'll just have to see how it goes.

My eyes are driving me nuts. I need new contacts badly but I hate eye appointments and I hate making appointments. I can get out of the house for work; I can get out for class (most of the time); I hate leaving the house for much else the rest of the time...once I'm out the door, I'm's the getting myself ready and getting out the door. This is the beauty of's usually cold and miserable so there is a built-in excuse to hide away and avoid doing things and seeing people. Now it's warming up and I find myself not wanting to reconnect and start doing things again. I also realize that I'm in serious trouble wardrobe-wise. Normally I love warm weather clothing and the first day it hits 50 I usually pull out the shorts. But I've become addicted to my long sleeve tshirts and sweatshirts; I've been wearing my beenie everywhere and been keeping several days of beard on my face and I realize I've been doing all of this to hide as much of myself as possible...if I have to go out, I wear all of this as my armor so people can't see me or at least I feel like I am hidden. It's not like I'm fat and trying to hide myself for those reasons, I'm just becoming increasingly antisocial. So what do I do when it's time for shorts and tshirts and too warm for the beanie? I really have no idea. As with everything else lately, this could just disappear tomorrow and not be a real problem. No idea.

Has anyone else ever been walking along and suddenly become hyperconscious of how you walk? That's something else I've been doing lately. I'm walking along, things are fine, suddenly I start thinking about walking and I can't do it or I feel like I'm walking really awkwardly. I'm just wondering if this is something that happens to others as well...

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