All I want is to be one girl's starter...
17 February, 2003 :: 6:31 a.m.
Very uncharacteristic for me...I have two entries that I started making, one Saturday about Bush and his idiocy and one yesterday about Teri...but I don't feel like finishing either of them.
There's a lot I want to say, to get out of my system...at the same time, I don't want to think about it too much or put forth the effort to write it.
I don't know.
Apparently Teri and I are on the verge of being done. I really don't understand it...I didn't want to get back into a relationship with her in the first place. I just let my guard down when she showed up on my doorstep in the middle of the night crying. We talked, she told me that she realized what a great guy I am, that she was sorry for the way she treated me. Then she just started showing up here all the time over the next few weeks. It wasn't a big deal, we always had a good time. We just sort of fell back into a relationship. But things were going really well...then she went nuts...
For the past week and a half (is that suppsed to be hyphenated? I don't care) or so, she's been asking, "What are we? Are we back in a relationship?" The obvious answer is that yes, we're spending a lot of time together, we're having sex, I think that counts as a relationship... But we both agreed to just keep seeing how things went. So then she started getting nuttier...last Tuesday night she really started asking me to define our relationship...I said I didn't really know, but things were going well between us so why try to label it or overanalyze it...I know! Me, saying let's not overanalyze something...truly odd. Prior to that, however, she started making a big deal of Valentine's Day...blecch... I hate Valentine's day, I think it's bullshit, yadda, yadda, yadda... But she was all excited and kept saying she couldn't wait to give me what she was getting me... So Thursday night we celebrated because we both had off and both worked Friday...she got me a bunch of duck stuff from work for my bathroom which is cool because I told her I wanted to do my bathroom in little yellow duckies, but didn't have the money for it (and yes, I know, it was buying from walmart, supporting evil, but hey, my bathroom was incrdibly white and dull...I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, leave me alone). She also replaced my American Beauty dvd which came up missing when I moved out of the apartment with Emily. I mean it was all really thought out, nice stuff...I got her a watch because she's been wanting a decent watch forever, but always buys herself cheap little $6 watches that die in 4 months and I got her I am Sam because it's a damn good movie and she hadn't seen it and I knew she'd really like it. We went out to dinner at the Olive Garden because that's where she wanted to go and it had been forever since I'd been there...(I can't believe I used to eat there on a regular basis because I really wasn't all that impressed with anything except the mussels this time.) On the ride up and back we got into a big discussion about us...she started going into totally insane mode--I just wanted to date; I didn't want a committed relationship; I don't consider us committed (to which I interjected, "so it's okay for us to date other people?"--oh no, that's not what she was saying, she didn't want that--I think this is where I started feeling like it must feel to be a deep sea diver who resurfaces to fast); she just wanted to concentrate on school (she's starting beauty school soon because that's one of her interests and she already cuts a lot of her friends' hair and is really good at it); she didn't want to be tied down to a relationship while doing this...on and on and on...
My head was reeling because I just can't grasp how we're in a relationship where we both agree that we're not going to date anyone else and we're going to see how things go, but she doesn't view that as being committed (that's just dating to her...huh?!?!) No shit it's just dating, that's all I've ever done is date girls and see how things go...and I'm focusing on school and if my relationship with her got in the way, I would end the relationship, not drop out of school...so what the fuck does she wants to date but not be committed, but not see other people mean???
Then, we had made plans to get together Saturday night...originally we were supposed to go out and she even switched shifts with someone else so that she didn't start until 2 instead of 11...then in typical fashion for her, Thursday night she started in with her not wanting to go out...so I dropped the plans to go out because I hadn't heard from Chuck who'd been thinking about coming down and if he wasn't going to be here and Teri wasn't going out, I wasn't going out alone because the last couple times I did, I ended up having a less than good time. So then I show up at work Friday night and she tells me that not only does she not want to go out, she's just gonna go home after work Saturday instead of coming over...so great...basically what it feels like to me is she strung me along until it was too late to make other plans and then cancelled on me.
Somehow Thursday night still went well overall and she kept insisting she still wanted to date only me and see where things go. At least until we had sex...she always tells me how much she loves having sex with me, how great it is...and I know for a fact that she even tells friends at work this, so I don't think she's just bullshitting me...so we have sex and it's really good...and right after she launches into a whole, "I feel really guilty about this, I don't feel like we should have had sex..." SHE INITIATED, NOT ME! And then she gives me that crap??? If we're only seeing each other and we are in fact dating, what possible reason would she have for feeling guilty about it??? She explained that her mom asked if we were sleeping together when she came over here on the weekends and that she told her mom yes which led to a big lecture about how it was wrong, wrong, wrong (her mom was raised Catholic and is still very into the whole, you don't sleep with someone unless you're married to them idea).
Anyway, so she cancels completely for doing anything Saturday which pisses me off on several levels because a) like I said, it felt like she waited until it was too late for me to make other plans and then ditched me b)she used having to work Sunday as an excuse--she's worked the last several Sundays but last weekend she went out with Shawna, the week before that she was with me and again, didn't feel like going out, the week before that she went out with Amy, the week before that was when she went to meet Mr. Ended-up-being-not-so-wonderful...anyone else see a pattern? The only time she doesn't want to go out are the weekends where going out would mean going out with me. c)I'm still upset about the whole she went out with me even though she didn't find me attractive thing d)I'm really starting to feel like the back-up boyfriend...it beats being alone, but she knows that she wants someone better looking and someone with money and this whole she doesn't want to go out in public with me thing isn't helping that e)I'm starting to wonder if the reason she doesn't want to be seen out with me is because she's interested in someone else and in a small area like this, you never know who you're going to bump into at the bar...so maybe she's afraid (if there is someone else) that if she bumps into him with me it's going to cause a big scene or the guy will see that she's with someone else...lot's of shit like that running through my mind.
I don't need this shit...but when I called her Sunday morning to put it straight to her about what she considered our status, she was very noncommittal...said she wanted to keep dating, but this time when I posed the question of seeing other people she was like, "well yeah, i guess so," and she just talked like someone who is already looking past me and has her sights set elsewhere...but she didn't want to say it was over. Why? Honestly I think she's afraid of being the bad guy...everyone at work knows she was the one who ended things with me last time without even really giving us a chance to get together and talk things out or anything else, everyone at work knows that she started seeing someone else, it didn't work out and she came running back to me...so now if she dumps me when things are going well between us and I've been nothing but nice and supportive to her, she'll look like an evil bitch...but if she can just frustrate me enough, I'll break up with her and she won't have to play the bad guy (yes, bad girl, whatever). I honestly believe this is what she wants.
I know that I am too stubborn to give it to her. I in no way consider myself tied to her anymore--she herself said it's apparently okay to see other people (yes, I realize that means okay for her, but I'm supposed to remain single so she still has her fall back guy)--but I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of ending it...if she wants out, she has to play the bad guy...tough shit. Yet again, I've done nothing wrong, been totally honest with her, totally supportive and I've been shit on.
I'm tired of feeling hypocritical every time I tell Pat that Melissa is a self-centered bitch that he'd be better off cutting out of his life completely--even Teri noted the parallels in the stories. But I'm not gonna let her off the hook; I'm not going to let her go into work and say, I wanted to stay with him and work things out, but he was all needy and wanted more of a relationship than I wanted to give him...that's bullshit because I didn't want this relationship, it just started developing...but it was going good, she seemed to legitimately be working on the stuff that had been a problem before, to really be committed (HAHAHAHAHA) to seeing things through this time...I really thought she finally realized that I'm a good guy and totally loyal friend...she did, but she just used that until she was feeling better again...now I'm just holding her back from better times with better (looking and financially set) guys. She keeps insisting she doesn't want to hurt me, doesn't want to feel like a bad person...right, which is why she wants me to absolve her so that she can go off in search of those better guys...tough shit. I'm not doing it. I've played the game straight up to this point and it's gotten me nowhere...so if I have to be a little dirty at the end, oh well...all's fair in love and war, right?
On a completely separate note, much to her chagrin, I did get ahold of Chuck, he did come down, we went out and had a great night and I finally got to dance with Really Cute Girl from I'll Blame it on Wheelchair Boy, not my being a Dweeb
. Plus I got to dance with some attractive blonde in her 30's who I think was just trying to convince the guy she was with that if he didn't start dancing, she'd find someone who would...but still, it was fun. And, like I said, I got to dance with Really Cute Girl...she and her friend were there again, the three of us spent a good deal of time making eye contact, we all ended up on the dance floor, RCG's friend had a guy dancing with her, she moved closer and closer to me, despite my being a DWEEB again and continually giving her space, finally I put my hands on her hips and we danced for like 4 songs and it was good. Then Chuck and I left. No, I never talked to RCG or anything like that, but I danced with her! One small victory for Mr. Makes-an-excellent-back-up-boyfriend-but-not-cute-enough-or-rich-enough-to-be-first-choice. Then Chuck and I went to walmart so I could flirt with Lacey while I was still feeling good from the alcohol and dancing.
I think Pat and I should start an R&B group called Shoulderz 2 CrEye On (we'll replace the CrEye with just a picture of an eye with a teardrop falling from it when we get the logo drawn up)...we'll be huge...girls will love us as friends to talk to about how other guys are such asses, but they won't actually want us...we'll be the only guys who are famous and still can't get women.
On a side note, those glow sticks might be non-toxic, but they are incredibly bitter and WILL make your whole mouth go numb and make you a little queasy. There was some guy in his forties who doesn't work for the bar in any way, shape or form that I am aware of who started handing out red glow sticks to everyone on the dance floor and then started handing out the little glow sticks for your mouth...I don't know if he was dealing Ecstasy or what, but it was an odd sight to say the least...anyway, I, in my excitement of dancing and making eye contact with RCG (just prior to our dancing together) bit into my glow stick...I noticed a nasty bitter taste and then suddenly my tongue, gums and rest of my mouth went numb...but I carried on like the trooper that I am. I was gonna save the glow stick as a memento, but ended up dropping it on the floor after all that...it's okay though because Chuck never opened his, so he gave it to me...
On another side note...aside from RCG and her friend and a few regulars, it was kind of a creepy night at the bar...a whole shitload of people I didn't recongnize...not good, not good...the only place local that I like to hang out is being overrun by imports...we had plenty of assholes here already, we didn't need to import any...the new girls were very cute though...and many appeared single...without someone having my back though, I don't see myself going back to check out these really cute girls...besides we've already established that I've got nothing to offer except my ear and my shoulder...